Friendship

I just had lunch with my best friend since I was 13. Is this a good reflection of myself or what? What kind of relationship has formed over all these years?

Well, what interests me is that as we grow older--at least as I grow older, and begin to solidify or form some basic beliefs, I am more interested in how others live their lives and somehow my interest is often mistaken for criticism. It is not always a mistake. And how to tell the difference, for myself and for others, is not always obvious.

What is the tension between Lis and I? I see it as clearly a reflection of the tension within myself. I have noticed a tricky cycle beginning in me. It is the cycle of excess, of waste, in which I lose interest in the disciplines that make my life meaningful and give it shape in favor of an energy that causes expansion and destruction. Excess yin, anyone?

And so if manifests in less ability to be happy and detached. The trick is that my mind doubts that happy and detached was ever really good for me at all. In fact, this part of myself, this memory demon, this devil, this gap, this neurological habitual pattern, whatever you call it, wants me to believe that the best thing for me to do is abandon all the practical knowledge I have gained, both intellectually and practically, in favor of its own modus operandi. The part of me that doesn't want to do this, my good fairy, if you will, gets distorted in the mix into what I call the "Redemption Pattern". The redemption pattern works like this: I go into excess (for example, a cup of coffee when I know it will cause negative feelings, followed by a cookie and later another drink, spending excess money and earning excess calories which put pounds on me I will not dispute that I don't want), and then the good fairy turns to work in its favor by saying, go ahead and go into excess now, because tomorrow (which never comes as such) I will go on a great diet and feel so much better, but today it's ok to have that extra caffeine/sugar/etc.

Even recognizing it, I fall for it. How do I battle this clever demon? It makes me wish to move to a monastery where all I eat is gruel to subdue this gnawing sensational desires! I either want to stuff my face until I am sick, or starve to make it through. This is what I call excess.

What about the middle path which I love so much? Granted, I would consider this pathology as middle path pathology. I don't really make myself sick eating too much, nor do I ever really deny myself in compensation. I have a middle ground yin imbalance.

The hard thing is that almost everyone around me has a middle ground yin imbalance. It is the "normal" way to be here in mainstream america. And although I don't want to be this person, somehow not to be feels in itself as though I am trespassing, or breaking the rules. When in fact, to act on this way, I am breaking my own rules.

What is the benefit of having bought a syrup based chai in order to process this and write it down? Would it not be better to simply do 45 uddiyana bandha's and fast for a day? Certainly it probably would and I can't find a logical argument against that except my own weakness. Why is it that I do not want to have the energy I had even just last week, when during lunch break I would go and do my yoga practice instead of drinking extra sugar and caffeine?

My brother put it eloquently yesterday when he said he was afraid that if he went out and explored the world, he would have too much energy to be able to stay at home and play video games. I asked what the benefit of playing video games was that it is so great to keep you from exploring something that would give him more energy.

But I know exactly what he means. It is escapist denial, as our friend put it.

Escapist denial is exactly how I manage to make choices which to do not benefit my true desires and goals in life. I escape from reality into the substance of abuse and deny that it will have any effect. The reason I like it is because it is extremely habitual.

now, as I asked before in a previous post, how I do break this pattern, or, in other words, get a new program? I don't want my perspective getting caught on this one note over and over the way it does, yet my ability to control it is precisely the issue.

Olga Kharitidi discusses the art of making a decision, pointing out that the ability to truly make THE RIGHT decision comes from discovering your own true will and making a conscious decision from this place. This implies that anything you do which is not done from this space of will and consciousness can not be classified as decision making, when in fact you are simply following the flow of nature, or karma. The final decision to make it seems is to flow with nature, as the Taoist advises, somehow joining the masculine act of taking a decision with the feminine nature of going with the flow. This, I imagine, is at least one step towards the ultimate union.

Actually I never thought of that before and I like it. It finally clarifies some of Lao Tzu's complicated yet extremely simple teachings.

Kharitidi says the a decision can made consciously when you test it for five conditions. Anytime you make a decision, big or small, you must evaluate that it fulfills the following five qualities: truth, beauty, health, happiness, light. Now, one might take a crash course on what these five attributes mean before they become the guiding post of your life.