life, dreams, practice

I awoke this morning from a dream in which I was on the telephone with a man. I could not really hear what he was saying (dad says you never can hear people over the phone in a dream) but I gathered, after much confusion on my part, that he actually wanted advice about how to approach the people he was coming to teach. Once I knew what he wanted (I was in the capacity of just answering the phone when he called and it took me awhile to realize that he actually wanted MY help), I talked on and on. Interspersed it seems I was trying to cuddle with Luc, my long time ex, yet I could not relax, either because the phone rang or another reason.

Isabelle did not wake up when I got up. I came to office very tired, vaguely entertaining the idea of buying a coffee but it was like there was no power behind the idea and I quickly gave it up in favor of a cup of green chai tea.

Mom sent me an email asking if Isabelle was hiding something, complaining that she felt alienated. I replied with soft words about her trauma and reassuring her that we were not trying to alienate her. I softened my language even more, concerned that Mom would take it the wrong way, but she replied with a thank you, saying she put the email in her journal.

I was very hungry but controlled myself in order to practice yoga over lunch. I enjoyed the sublimation so much yesterday I wanted to repeat it. My practice today was six sun salutations, the warming exercises, trikonasana, ten minutes of uddiyana bandha (start to feel bliss of sahasrara and longing for god), five minutes of nauli (it is easier than yesterday), agni sara (very powerful, brought to a heightened state), cobra pose (feel great bliss, near sexual arousal), ardha matsyendrasana, and sirsasana (about 1.5 minutes--better than yesterday). No time for relaxation so I chant for one minute in my head and return to the office, picking up my lunch on the way and repeating precisely the interaction I had with Kevin yesterday in the staff room. (His head is down, almost through his apple, reading a magazine, "hi kevin," I say, opening the fridge. "Hey!" he says sweetly, looking up only as I speak and immediately returning to his reading. I grab my food and exit.)

Dan is in the office and says I have just missed Lili, my TA from my study abroad in beijing, and I am sincerely bummed. It would have been great to see her, I say. He catches me up a bit, she's almost through with her PhD. I stand and for a moment feel very high, I feel energy pulsing all around me and notice Dan steps back a bit, but goes on, we laugh about the laid back education at Antioch, which just closed its doors to students. He said they could not attract enough students--like their philosophy is outdated and not financially viable. Because how many rich people want to learn how to meditate and talk about spirituality for $40,000 per year?

Now I have taken the Sweetish Bitters 15 minutes ago and it is nearly 1/2 hour after practice, so I am ready to eat the aduki beans and avocado I prepared this morning for my lunch!!

I noted in the cold upstairs room the benefit for fasting through the morning, holding off on food and taking the time to practice. For it was a sublime experience, small as it was contained in that hour. What a reward worth staying for.

I had the sensation of just up and down, back and forth. Now I am enjoying the practice, last week I was a fiend for sugar and caffeine.