A Night at a Baba Lover's House

Yesterday was a big day for bub and me. We drove from our house in chapel hill at 10:45, hit the gas station, realized I forgot the IPOD charger, went back for it, then hit the road for real.

Or so we thought.

On the highway the car starting shaking, a thing which I had noticed driving Bunk to the airport and had ignored. Later I noticed that sensation behind my heart which Marco told me about warning me something about this trip.

We stayed under 65 mph where it didn't shake but it was hard to keep up and put me in the right lane with the trucks. So we got off in Graham, thirty or so minutes outside home, called an anonymous mechanic, asked a guy for help, went to one station where they couldn't help us for awhile, then finally found ourselves at the Ford Dealership. They looked at the car; Bub found out the apartment she wanted was taken. They told us one of the tires was ready to explode and lucky it hadn't yet. I splurged for four new tires plus balancing and alignment for a total of $267.00, telling myself if I had really sold my car on the market I would have had to take care of that. So I thought it was a favor, a responsibility of mine, really.

Onwards, we detour to get an organic coffee at a Whole Foods Bub tracked down. Get a coffee and cookie, feel it distance me from reality. In the car we listened to David Deida, Eckhart Tolle, Mickey Singer a little.

Finally arriving in Asheville we go straight to Bub's old house to move the remaining stuff and then visiting her old roommate Nina in her new house.

Back at the grandparent's house where we are staying she gives me the tour of the nearly twenty portraits of Avatar Meher Baba, the guru of Topher's grandparent's who left the home they recently bought in Asheville to move back to Maui. They have tons of great books by spiritual masters and stuff on the astral worlds, all my favorite stuff.

Before bed, and after a long talk about her feelings about her relationship with Topher and an admission from me about why I'm returning to the yoga school, we got in bed and watched a 52 minute documentary on the life of Baba.

Baba is nuts, like most spiritual masters from India I hear about. Silent from 1925 to his death in 1969, awakened by an old woman aged 120 whom he met at the age of 17. After five years with her she kisses his third eye and he is awakened to the realization that he is God. He meets the other five great masters of the time, according to them, and soon has disciples, builds an ashram, then leaves the ashram for pilgrimages. Builds a mental hospital, saying many of these people are really just god intoxicated but he is the only one who can see it. At one point he goes wandering and enforces a rule that no one should show any emotion except cheerfulness, no matter what.

He is gorgeous in his youth and firm in his repeated statements that he is an Avatar, he is the divine love. He makes many trips to America and Europe, having a bad car accident in the U.S. in the forties, which makes him suffer pain the rest of his life. He says all of his suffering is for the universe, for he is the universe and pays its karma.

We go to sleep, I am mystified and in all of this incredible spirit and the life he lead, unbeknownest to me before this night.

I awake after a short nap it seems, still very tired and the light from outside shines in my face and the intermittent noise of cars going by on the highway outside irritates me. I feel the coffee still in my blood and notice this opportunity, on top of all the hassles of the day before, trying me. I try to come up with a mantra to ease myself away from the anger. I try a few but feel such a blank, nothing seems to do any good.

Finally I close the blind, put in earplugs, and begin the call "I pray for the presence of God in my heart". This soon puts me to rest and I enter the dreamworld.

I awake at one moment in the night to such a feeling of bliss in my heart that I know my prayer has been answered. I feel a moment of gratitude before going into sleep again.

There I dream that Mr. Mahaley, my elementary school French teacher, is my school advisor. I am totally attracted to him and can hardly keep from touching him and expressing fully my sexual desire for him, but I know this is not an appropriate situation for that.

It is my turn to see him, Bub is there waiting to see him also and along comes another students.

We are in his car somehow and I notice the back door is open and command him to pull off onto an overlook to close. Outside the car it is invisible and I have to guess where the open door is and kick it shut.

Then I am holding his face in my hands and staring into his eyes, "I'm not going to hurt you," I say, and notice a flicker of doubt come into my mind as I wonder why I am always attracted to men without as much experience as me, forcing me to be the leader. But I instantly let it go, embracing the situation I am in and knowing I must be completely present in order to communicate the truth to him.

Then we are naked and Uncle Kevin comes up, reminding Mr. Mahaley that there are other students waiting to see him. Without embarrassment, he holds me down and invites Kevin to tickle me. Instead I manage to tickle him while he lies on top of me and we all laugh and laugh.

I awake laughing and cheerful, Bub also awakes and we know it is time to get up to start the day.