coming slowly into this world again...slept past the early morning rise point again...
dreamt of Mai, my dear friend Mai was there and we hugged and I was so happy to see her though I sat apart from her on the bus...a girl from Agama, who wanted more money than I really owed her, Amy was there and then eventually I was there in a huge white fluffy robe with bub, my hair combed over and seeing myself from outside I looked very nice, we were going to sit in the lounge in order to find a lover for the evening. I started having second thoughts as I went to the bathroom...randomness...
I awoke with a preliminary grogginess and disinterest in practice and therefore in life today. but alas in the bathroom i remembered i am studying neuro linguistic programming from last night and i love it and i am getting to it without a feeling a guilt.
now with a smooth cup of guilt free sugar and milk coffee i can feel the blur of second cakra but i don't care and actually am not thinking so much like that. let's just see. i can't continue fighting, i am here and so can be who i am here, knowing that shortly i will return to the land of yoga etc etc.
I love NLP they reference negative/unproductive states as self loathing, lonliness, anger, seriousness, etc. hehe. god i read this stuff and think there are so many areas I want to improve in!!!!
it is amazing that my dad doesn't at all feel the drive for self improvement, assured that he is perfect as is. such a wonderful complimentary teaching for me!
thanks dad!
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Marco
I talked to Marco and want to make a few quick notes about what he told me.
Family myth: My family will always try to hold me back from doing what I truly need to do. It is the pull, without which I may not have the force to go. He put it as all things have a challenge, a test, and this is one of those.
The dream I had where I was at the airport completely unprepared for my trip to thailand and very upset about it has the meaning that I am growing and changing away from my little girl self, the part of me that never wants to change, and never wants to leave home. It will always be there, I must be aware and forge on.
Be careful with astral travelling as you can lose soul matter if you don't really know what you are doing.
The first thing he says when I say I will start teaching is do you know how to protect yourself? Cause there are all kinds of energies out there and especially when you start teaching you've got to know how to purify and how to get free from darker energies. And with sexual practices you must be careful who you are with as it develops karmic links and can lead to the accumulation of certain more negative energies.
About the dream I had with him in it where he gave me this amazing neck stretch, he said another friend of his said he did the same thing to her in a dream.
His teacher is caroline something in canada. she gives him practices and he has an hour long practice he does everyday which gives him protection.
26 is a big year; so is 33 and 34. This will be a big one for me, he says.
There are always tests and challenges on the spiritual path, more and more as you continue on. why, i ask? why isn't the nature of the world bliss? It is, he responds, it is only suffering when you forget that.
"Yoga starts outside the classroom," is a line from a yoga teacher he liked. Bring it into your life. It's when you can feel the bliss and peace in the midst of the everyday that you are truly being spiritual.
And always listen to the feeling behind the self, in regards to other people, situations, everything. It is your higher self and it knows best.
alas alack, thank you for your wisdom and teaching, dear Marco La.
Family myth: My family will always try to hold me back from doing what I truly need to do. It is the pull, without which I may not have the force to go. He put it as all things have a challenge, a test, and this is one of those.
The dream I had where I was at the airport completely unprepared for my trip to thailand and very upset about it has the meaning that I am growing and changing away from my little girl self, the part of me that never wants to change, and never wants to leave home. It will always be there, I must be aware and forge on.
Be careful with astral travelling as you can lose soul matter if you don't really know what you are doing.
The first thing he says when I say I will start teaching is do you know how to protect yourself? Cause there are all kinds of energies out there and especially when you start teaching you've got to know how to purify and how to get free from darker energies. And with sexual practices you must be careful who you are with as it develops karmic links and can lead to the accumulation of certain more negative energies.
About the dream I had with him in it where he gave me this amazing neck stretch, he said another friend of his said he did the same thing to her in a dream.
His teacher is caroline something in canada. she gives him practices and he has an hour long practice he does everyday which gives him protection.
26 is a big year; so is 33 and 34. This will be a big one for me, he says.
There are always tests and challenges on the spiritual path, more and more as you continue on. why, i ask? why isn't the nature of the world bliss? It is, he responds, it is only suffering when you forget that.
"Yoga starts outside the classroom," is a line from a yoga teacher he liked. Bring it into your life. It's when you can feel the bliss and peace in the midst of the everyday that you are truly being spiritual.
And always listen to the feeling behind the self, in regards to other people, situations, everything. It is your higher self and it knows best.
alas alack, thank you for your wisdom and teaching, dear Marco La.
A Night at a Baba Lover's House
Yesterday was a big day for bub and me. We drove from our house in chapel hill at 10:45, hit the gas station, realized I forgot the IPOD charger, went back for it, then hit the road for real.
Or so we thought.
On the highway the car starting shaking, a thing which I had noticed driving Bunk to the airport and had ignored. Later I noticed that sensation behind my heart which Marco told me about warning me something about this trip.
We stayed under 65 mph where it didn't shake but it was hard to keep up and put me in the right lane with the trucks. So we got off in Graham, thirty or so minutes outside home, called an anonymous mechanic, asked a guy for help, went to one station where they couldn't help us for awhile, then finally found ourselves at the Ford Dealership. They looked at the car; Bub found out the apartment she wanted was taken. They told us one of the tires was ready to explode and lucky it hadn't yet. I splurged for four new tires plus balancing and alignment for a total of $267.00, telling myself if I had really sold my car on the market I would have had to take care of that. So I thought it was a favor, a responsibility of mine, really.
Onwards, we detour to get an organic coffee at a Whole Foods Bub tracked down. Get a coffee and cookie, feel it distance me from reality. In the car we listened to David Deida, Eckhart Tolle, Mickey Singer a little.
Finally arriving in Asheville we go straight to Bub's old house to move the remaining stuff and then visiting her old roommate Nina in her new house.
Back at the grandparent's house where we are staying she gives me the tour of the nearly twenty portraits of Avatar Meher Baba, the guru of Topher's grandparent's who left the home they recently bought in Asheville to move back to Maui. They have tons of great books by spiritual masters and stuff on the astral worlds, all my favorite stuff.
Before bed, and after a long talk about her feelings about her relationship with Topher and an admission from me about why I'm returning to the yoga school, we got in bed and watched a 52 minute documentary on the life of Baba.
Baba is nuts, like most spiritual masters from India I hear about. Silent from 1925 to his death in 1969, awakened by an old woman aged 120 whom he met at the age of 17. After five years with her she kisses his third eye and he is awakened to the realization that he is God. He meets the other five great masters of the time, according to them, and soon has disciples, builds an ashram, then leaves the ashram for pilgrimages. Builds a mental hospital, saying many of these people are really just god intoxicated but he is the only one who can see it. At one point he goes wandering and enforces a rule that no one should show any emotion except cheerfulness, no matter what.
He is gorgeous in his youth and firm in his repeated statements that he is an Avatar, he is the divine love. He makes many trips to America and Europe, having a bad car accident in the U.S. in the forties, which makes him suffer pain the rest of his life. He says all of his suffering is for the universe, for he is the universe and pays its karma.
We go to sleep, I am mystified and in all of this incredible spirit and the life he lead, unbeknownest to me before this night.
I awake after a short nap it seems, still very tired and the light from outside shines in my face and the intermittent noise of cars going by on the highway outside irritates me. I feel the coffee still in my blood and notice this opportunity, on top of all the hassles of the day before, trying me. I try to come up with a mantra to ease myself away from the anger. I try a few but feel such a blank, nothing seems to do any good.
Finally I close the blind, put in earplugs, and begin the call "I pray for the presence of God in my heart". This soon puts me to rest and I enter the dreamworld.
I awake at one moment in the night to such a feeling of bliss in my heart that I know my prayer has been answered. I feel a moment of gratitude before going into sleep again.
There I dream that Mr. Mahaley, my elementary school French teacher, is my school advisor. I am totally attracted to him and can hardly keep from touching him and expressing fully my sexual desire for him, but I know this is not an appropriate situation for that.
It is my turn to see him, Bub is there waiting to see him also and along comes another students.
We are in his car somehow and I notice the back door is open and command him to pull off onto an overlook to close. Outside the car it is invisible and I have to guess where the open door is and kick it shut.
Then I am holding his face in my hands and staring into his eyes, "I'm not going to hurt you," I say, and notice a flicker of doubt come into my mind as I wonder why I am always attracted to men without as much experience as me, forcing me to be the leader. But I instantly let it go, embracing the situation I am in and knowing I must be completely present in order to communicate the truth to him.
Then we are naked and Uncle Kevin comes up, reminding Mr. Mahaley that there are other students waiting to see him. Without embarrassment, he holds me down and invites Kevin to tickle me. Instead I manage to tickle him while he lies on top of me and we all laugh and laugh.
I awake laughing and cheerful, Bub also awakes and we know it is time to get up to start the day.
Or so we thought.
On the highway the car starting shaking, a thing which I had noticed driving Bunk to the airport and had ignored. Later I noticed that sensation behind my heart which Marco told me about warning me something about this trip.
We stayed under 65 mph where it didn't shake but it was hard to keep up and put me in the right lane with the trucks. So we got off in Graham, thirty or so minutes outside home, called an anonymous mechanic, asked a guy for help, went to one station where they couldn't help us for awhile, then finally found ourselves at the Ford Dealership. They looked at the car; Bub found out the apartment she wanted was taken. They told us one of the tires was ready to explode and lucky it hadn't yet. I splurged for four new tires plus balancing and alignment for a total of $267.00, telling myself if I had really sold my car on the market I would have had to take care of that. So I thought it was a favor, a responsibility of mine, really.
Onwards, we detour to get an organic coffee at a Whole Foods Bub tracked down. Get a coffee and cookie, feel it distance me from reality. In the car we listened to David Deida, Eckhart Tolle, Mickey Singer a little.
Finally arriving in Asheville we go straight to Bub's old house to move the remaining stuff and then visiting her old roommate Nina in her new house.
Back at the grandparent's house where we are staying she gives me the tour of the nearly twenty portraits of Avatar Meher Baba, the guru of Topher's grandparent's who left the home they recently bought in Asheville to move back to Maui. They have tons of great books by spiritual masters and stuff on the astral worlds, all my favorite stuff.
Before bed, and after a long talk about her feelings about her relationship with Topher and an admission from me about why I'm returning to the yoga school, we got in bed and watched a 52 minute documentary on the life of Baba.
Baba is nuts, like most spiritual masters from India I hear about. Silent from 1925 to his death in 1969, awakened by an old woman aged 120 whom he met at the age of 17. After five years with her she kisses his third eye and he is awakened to the realization that he is God. He meets the other five great masters of the time, according to them, and soon has disciples, builds an ashram, then leaves the ashram for pilgrimages. Builds a mental hospital, saying many of these people are really just god intoxicated but he is the only one who can see it. At one point he goes wandering and enforces a rule that no one should show any emotion except cheerfulness, no matter what.
He is gorgeous in his youth and firm in his repeated statements that he is an Avatar, he is the divine love. He makes many trips to America and Europe, having a bad car accident in the U.S. in the forties, which makes him suffer pain the rest of his life. He says all of his suffering is for the universe, for he is the universe and pays its karma.
We go to sleep, I am mystified and in all of this incredible spirit and the life he lead, unbeknownest to me before this night.
I awake after a short nap it seems, still very tired and the light from outside shines in my face and the intermittent noise of cars going by on the highway outside irritates me. I feel the coffee still in my blood and notice this opportunity, on top of all the hassles of the day before, trying me. I try to come up with a mantra to ease myself away from the anger. I try a few but feel such a blank, nothing seems to do any good.
Finally I close the blind, put in earplugs, and begin the call "I pray for the presence of God in my heart". This soon puts me to rest and I enter the dreamworld.
I awake at one moment in the night to such a feeling of bliss in my heart that I know my prayer has been answered. I feel a moment of gratitude before going into sleep again.
There I dream that Mr. Mahaley, my elementary school French teacher, is my school advisor. I am totally attracted to him and can hardly keep from touching him and expressing fully my sexual desire for him, but I know this is not an appropriate situation for that.
It is my turn to see him, Bub is there waiting to see him also and along comes another students.
We are in his car somehow and I notice the back door is open and command him to pull off onto an overlook to close. Outside the car it is invisible and I have to guess where the open door is and kick it shut.
Then I am holding his face in my hands and staring into his eyes, "I'm not going to hurt you," I say, and notice a flicker of doubt come into my mind as I wonder why I am always attracted to men without as much experience as me, forcing me to be the leader. But I instantly let it go, embracing the situation I am in and knowing I must be completely present in order to communicate the truth to him.
Then we are naked and Uncle Kevin comes up, reminding Mr. Mahaley that there are other students waiting to see him. Without embarrassment, he holds me down and invites Kevin to tickle me. Instead I manage to tickle him while he lies on top of me and we all laugh and laugh.
I awake laughing and cheerful, Bub also awakes and we know it is time to get up to start the day.
Friday, August 10, 2007
dream dictionary
Last night I dreamt that I joined the TTC at Agama again. It was a new group of people. There was a man there flirting on and off with me, I spoke to him in a low voice, as the group sat around a circular table and I wasn't sure if the others were listening or not. I told him I did not mind the ambiguity of the sexual intentions in our relationship, in fact, I enjoyed that there was the possibility that we could have sex, if desired, without any long term commitment, and if we did happen to fall in love, then no worries either way cause if it happened we would both know and that would be that.
The thought rolled in my head, why did I enroll in this course again? There was movement, packing, outdoors, sunlight. I don't remember so much else, meeting the people, seeing the group and not being too thrilled.
Mom wrote and said she dreamed that my left eye was falling in and out of the socket. I was unaware, but she trying to get me to go get help without freaking me out, so she was speaking calmly to me. it is bub now with the cut over her left eye and dilated pupil. this happened to me nearly four years ago--different, but left eye blindedness, optic neuritis.
The thought rolled in my head, why did I enroll in this course again? There was movement, packing, outdoors, sunlight. I don't remember so much else, meeting the people, seeing the group and not being too thrilled.
Mom wrote and said she dreamed that my left eye was falling in and out of the socket. I was unaware, but she trying to get me to go get help without freaking me out, so she was speaking calmly to me. it is bub now with the cut over her left eye and dilated pupil. this happened to me nearly four years ago--different, but left eye blindedness, optic neuritis.
The Free Will story
Q: Are we mindlessly trapped in karmas? Is there a way out?
1. Desire is the precursor to everything; it is spontaneous to existence. It characterizes the lowest form to the high mystic who desires freedom. It also characterizes this universe, whose desire is to Become--to unfold as this great space-time. If a desire is pursued with appropriate action, then it manifests as karmas in its journey toward fulfillment. Any desire can be fulfilled. All it needs is correct and persistent action and, of course, time.
2. In order to pursue a desire, a person needs power. Free will enters the picture now. Free will is the precursor to choice, to any decision. It is the power of the decision whether to fulfill this desire or not. This is the fork in the trial of life where the fate of a desire is incessantly tested. Free will is the embryo of the great power--intent. Once the choice is made to fulfill a desire, then awareness is diverted from other areas of a being to bring this desire to fruition. now the person is set upon fulfilling this desire. This soon becomes a drive. And this drive generates a mindset. The mindset is the next step in the germination of an intent.
3. While free will sanctions the use of free awareness, or astral energy, to fulfill a desire, the drive enables the acquisition of the necessary knowledge and ingredients to put the desire into action. Therefore, in its simplest form, karma is action...The connotation that karma is this mindless cyclical force of reaction to an initial desire or action is a result of ignorance of the nuts and bolts of the karmic theory. Karma means action. An action resulting from a desire can be terminal to itself or it can sprout more desires for similar experiences. These secondary desires will grab awareness, and lie latent, like seeds. Seeds of desire are precursors to action to be. When the space-time is appropriate, these dormant karmas sprout new desires and actions. People mistake this intelligent process and call it fate. Hence the use of the terms "predestined," "fated," "destiny," and so on. But we can clearly trace these karmas to a previous action, which in turn emerged from an initial desire and free will.
4. Awareness could continually be invested in th pursuit of any desire, causing cyclical incarnations in bodies and space-times suitable for their fruition. Cyclical processes have no free will involved in their operation. The energy of awareness feeds the flames of desire and action, driving them through this process...Free will itself can act as an inhibitor to this cyclical process--free will, which originally made the choice of pursuing this desire. Free will is a combination of pure energy--astral energy that powers the astral body, and energy of awareness that makes up the dream mind, or astral mind. This awareness is the consciousness of pure intelligence. By intelligence, I do not mean the intellect and reasoning power that defines aspects of the physical mind. Pure intelligence is from spirit, from the higher mind.
5. There is no such thing as a stupid choice. A choice is a choice. The higher mind, the pure intelligence, has no such divisions as stupid or bright, good or bad. For it everything is divinely blissful.
1-4 above all quoted directly from Kali's Odiyya chapter "Stirring a Primal Force."
"by giving and taking, [the universe] maintains equilibrium. But when desire becomes cyclical, then it continues to take and does not give. at the point of extreme excess, this desire grows into a demonic voice with an enormous appetite. This upsets the rest of the support system to which this voice belongs. This support system is its immediate nature. The only way to restore this balance is to cut off supplies to this voice. Once the surrounding systems are upset, and cut off the only source of energy to this voice, then the voice begins to starve. This is the beginning of pain. Our body mind's reaction to restore balance and settle back into equilibrium thus appears punitive. In truth, we punish ourselves by letting these demonic voices take over our spiritual resources."
"the grace of the Divine Mother surrounds us. It is always granting our desires...Excessive pursuit of desires brings about imbalances and generates painful endings. When the demons of desire run away with a being's spiritual resources, the being cries out to th Divine Mother. The spirit yearns for redemption. This yearning attracts divine grace into the constitution of free will. Divine grace now backs free will that is made up of astral energy and consciousness from the higher mind. The force of this holy alliance is so great that it pulverizes any demons and assimilates their energy into the higher mind."
quoted as from above.
1. Desire is the precursor to everything; it is spontaneous to existence. It characterizes the lowest form to the high mystic who desires freedom. It also characterizes this universe, whose desire is to Become--to unfold as this great space-time. If a desire is pursued with appropriate action, then it manifests as karmas in its journey toward fulfillment. Any desire can be fulfilled. All it needs is correct and persistent action and, of course, time.
2. In order to pursue a desire, a person needs power. Free will enters the picture now. Free will is the precursor to choice, to any decision. It is the power of the decision whether to fulfill this desire or not. This is the fork in the trial of life where the fate of a desire is incessantly tested. Free will is the embryo of the great power--intent. Once the choice is made to fulfill a desire, then awareness is diverted from other areas of a being to bring this desire to fruition. now the person is set upon fulfilling this desire. This soon becomes a drive. And this drive generates a mindset. The mindset is the next step in the germination of an intent.
3. While free will sanctions the use of free awareness, or astral energy, to fulfill a desire, the drive enables the acquisition of the necessary knowledge and ingredients to put the desire into action. Therefore, in its simplest form, karma is action...The connotation that karma is this mindless cyclical force of reaction to an initial desire or action is a result of ignorance of the nuts and bolts of the karmic theory. Karma means action. An action resulting from a desire can be terminal to itself or it can sprout more desires for similar experiences. These secondary desires will grab awareness, and lie latent, like seeds. Seeds of desire are precursors to action to be. When the space-time is appropriate, these dormant karmas sprout new desires and actions. People mistake this intelligent process and call it fate. Hence the use of the terms "predestined," "fated," "destiny," and so on. But we can clearly trace these karmas to a previous action, which in turn emerged from an initial desire and free will.
4. Awareness could continually be invested in th pursuit of any desire, causing cyclical incarnations in bodies and space-times suitable for their fruition. Cyclical processes have no free will involved in their operation. The energy of awareness feeds the flames of desire and action, driving them through this process...Free will itself can act as an inhibitor to this cyclical process--free will, which originally made the choice of pursuing this desire. Free will is a combination of pure energy--astral energy that powers the astral body, and energy of awareness that makes up the dream mind, or astral mind. This awareness is the consciousness of pure intelligence. By intelligence, I do not mean the intellect and reasoning power that defines aspects of the physical mind. Pure intelligence is from spirit, from the higher mind.
5. There is no such thing as a stupid choice. A choice is a choice. The higher mind, the pure intelligence, has no such divisions as stupid or bright, good or bad. For it everything is divinely blissful.
1-4 above all quoted directly from Kali's Odiyya chapter "Stirring a Primal Force."
"by giving and taking, [the universe] maintains equilibrium. But when desire becomes cyclical, then it continues to take and does not give. at the point of extreme excess, this desire grows into a demonic voice with an enormous appetite. This upsets the rest of the support system to which this voice belongs. This support system is its immediate nature. The only way to restore this balance is to cut off supplies to this voice. Once the surrounding systems are upset, and cut off the only source of energy to this voice, then the voice begins to starve. This is the beginning of pain. Our body mind's reaction to restore balance and settle back into equilibrium thus appears punitive. In truth, we punish ourselves by letting these demonic voices take over our spiritual resources."
"the grace of the Divine Mother surrounds us. It is always granting our desires...Excessive pursuit of desires brings about imbalances and generates painful endings. When the demons of desire run away with a being's spiritual resources, the being cries out to th Divine Mother. The spirit yearns for redemption. This yearning attracts divine grace into the constitution of free will. Divine grace now backs free will that is made up of astral energy and consciousness from the higher mind. The force of this holy alliance is so great that it pulverizes any demons and assimilates their energy into the higher mind."
quoted as from above.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
life, dreams, practice
I awoke this morning from a dream in which I was on the telephone with a man. I could not really hear what he was saying (dad says you never can hear people over the phone in a dream) but I gathered, after much confusion on my part, that he actually wanted advice about how to approach the people he was coming to teach. Once I knew what he wanted (I was in the capacity of just answering the phone when he called and it took me awhile to realize that he actually wanted MY help), I talked on and on. Interspersed it seems I was trying to cuddle with Luc, my long time ex, yet I could not relax, either because the phone rang or another reason.
Isabelle did not wake up when I got up. I came to office very tired, vaguely entertaining the idea of buying a coffee but it was like there was no power behind the idea and I quickly gave it up in favor of a cup of green chai tea.
Mom sent me an email asking if Isabelle was hiding something, complaining that she felt alienated. I replied with soft words about her trauma and reassuring her that we were not trying to alienate her. I softened my language even more, concerned that Mom would take it the wrong way, but she replied with a thank you, saying she put the email in her journal.
I was very hungry but controlled myself in order to practice yoga over lunch. I enjoyed the sublimation so much yesterday I wanted to repeat it. My practice today was six sun salutations, the warming exercises, trikonasana, ten minutes of uddiyana bandha (start to feel bliss of sahasrara and longing for god), five minutes of nauli (it is easier than yesterday), agni sara (very powerful, brought to a heightened state), cobra pose (feel great bliss, near sexual arousal), ardha matsyendrasana, and sirsasana (about 1.5 minutes--better than yesterday). No time for relaxation so I chant for one minute in my head and return to the office, picking up my lunch on the way and repeating precisely the interaction I had with Kevin yesterday in the staff room. (His head is down, almost through his apple, reading a magazine, "hi kevin," I say, opening the fridge. "Hey!" he says sweetly, looking up only as I speak and immediately returning to his reading. I grab my food and exit.)
Dan is in the office and says I have just missed Lili, my TA from my study abroad in beijing, and I am sincerely bummed. It would have been great to see her, I say. He catches me up a bit, she's almost through with her PhD. I stand and for a moment feel very high, I feel energy pulsing all around me and notice Dan steps back a bit, but goes on, we laugh about the laid back education at Antioch, which just closed its doors to students. He said they could not attract enough students--like their philosophy is outdated and not financially viable. Because how many rich people want to learn how to meditate and talk about spirituality for $40,000 per year?
Now I have taken the Sweetish Bitters 15 minutes ago and it is nearly 1/2 hour after practice, so I am ready to eat the aduki beans and avocado I prepared this morning for my lunch!!
I noted in the cold upstairs room the benefit for fasting through the morning, holding off on food and taking the time to practice. For it was a sublime experience, small as it was contained in that hour. What a reward worth staying for.
I had the sensation of just up and down, back and forth. Now I am enjoying the practice, last week I was a fiend for sugar and caffeine.
Isabelle did not wake up when I got up. I came to office very tired, vaguely entertaining the idea of buying a coffee but it was like there was no power behind the idea and I quickly gave it up in favor of a cup of green chai tea.
Mom sent me an email asking if Isabelle was hiding something, complaining that she felt alienated. I replied with soft words about her trauma and reassuring her that we were not trying to alienate her. I softened my language even more, concerned that Mom would take it the wrong way, but she replied with a thank you, saying she put the email in her journal.
I was very hungry but controlled myself in order to practice yoga over lunch. I enjoyed the sublimation so much yesterday I wanted to repeat it. My practice today was six sun salutations, the warming exercises, trikonasana, ten minutes of uddiyana bandha (start to feel bliss of sahasrara and longing for god), five minutes of nauli (it is easier than yesterday), agni sara (very powerful, brought to a heightened state), cobra pose (feel great bliss, near sexual arousal), ardha matsyendrasana, and sirsasana (about 1.5 minutes--better than yesterday). No time for relaxation so I chant for one minute in my head and return to the office, picking up my lunch on the way and repeating precisely the interaction I had with Kevin yesterday in the staff room. (His head is down, almost through his apple, reading a magazine, "hi kevin," I say, opening the fridge. "Hey!" he says sweetly, looking up only as I speak and immediately returning to his reading. I grab my food and exit.)
Dan is in the office and says I have just missed Lili, my TA from my study abroad in beijing, and I am sincerely bummed. It would have been great to see her, I say. He catches me up a bit, she's almost through with her PhD. I stand and for a moment feel very high, I feel energy pulsing all around me and notice Dan steps back a bit, but goes on, we laugh about the laid back education at Antioch, which just closed its doors to students. He said they could not attract enough students--like their philosophy is outdated and not financially viable. Because how many rich people want to learn how to meditate and talk about spirituality for $40,000 per year?
Now I have taken the Sweetish Bitters 15 minutes ago and it is nearly 1/2 hour after practice, so I am ready to eat the aduki beans and avocado I prepared this morning for my lunch!!
I noted in the cold upstairs room the benefit for fasting through the morning, holding off on food and taking the time to practice. For it was a sublime experience, small as it was contained in that hour. What a reward worth staying for.
I had the sensation of just up and down, back and forth. Now I am enjoying the practice, last week I was a fiend for sugar and caffeine.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
the Lake, the Goddess
We all have feelings, don't we?
Each of us may have been triggered by one thing or another during that staff meeting. Staff meetings are prime territory for re-stimulation.
and then my sister called. And that was nice, she is coming home soon. A beautiful non-Western native English speaker walked in with a soft spoken inquiry into the general arena of study abroad.
My body feels slightly upset that I did not practice postures yesterday. How can I feel this? I went swimming and stayed playing in the water for hours yesterday evening. It was so much fun with my brothers, they were doing back flips off the dock, Trev is amazing at them. He becomes better looking every day. My oldest brother got in last night from san diego for a visit and he is his same self. Reckless, joyful, diving repeatedly to the bottom of the lake, bringing up mud in his palms for proof of the twenty foot decent. Then there was Nils, his good friend for a long time, who leaned over the dock trying to catch a little fish in his hands, "Bear Grillz style". And me, occasionally going on the dock and jumping and diving back in, mostly just swimming around, floating on my back, treading water as I watched them be active. The sun set and lit up the clouds overhead so that my brother standing in the pink gold light of twilight appeared to glow.
I laughed a lot and it was a great release. It was nice to just hang out with the boys without tension and enjoy my brothers' company, even feeling Nils more and more like a brother, seeing his humorous side and being in such a loving mood.
Yesterday as I flipped through online photo albums of luscious men and women at the yoga school, I realized after awhile that I was viewing it all through the lens of my own insecurity. My mind was saying, oh my god, are these really my people? Remembering the depth of the relationship between Shambhu and Sandhya, I wondered what could our spiritual connection be? Reminding myself that I did not have to stay there, feeling amazed at their closeness and wondering about myself. But then I saw what I was doing, and I could feel happy for these happy social people in the photos, without jealousy, or insecurity.
By the way, I totally love Rod Silver (code name). He is an adviser in this office whom I have known for a long time, having met with him many times about my own study abroad experiences. He is married with three children but alas, there is something so supernaturally sweet and sexy as hell about this big, tall, short haired, big eyed possibly 40 something of a man. An early Sag, one of the most attractive times of the year for me in terms of the opposite sex. If I didn't think he would be compounded with complex feelings, I would seduce him. But a married man in this culture, that could only cause trouble, especially based from lust. Oh, Kali. Let not my lust lead me astray, away, from you.
While I floated in the lake last night I felt the pull of my heart towards you.
As practice I listened to the yoga nidra by Rod Stryker upon going to sleep with the intention of surrender.
I had this sensation of reckless abandon after dinner, when I could not be satiated, it seemed. And with that loss of control I felt my overself come in, take me to the lake, and remind me that surrender is the best option, for how can I take care of myself...
Each of us may have been triggered by one thing or another during that staff meeting. Staff meetings are prime territory for re-stimulation.
and then my sister called. And that was nice, she is coming home soon. A beautiful non-Western native English speaker walked in with a soft spoken inquiry into the general arena of study abroad.
My body feels slightly upset that I did not practice postures yesterday. How can I feel this? I went swimming and stayed playing in the water for hours yesterday evening. It was so much fun with my brothers, they were doing back flips off the dock, Trev is amazing at them. He becomes better looking every day. My oldest brother got in last night from san diego for a visit and he is his same self. Reckless, joyful, diving repeatedly to the bottom of the lake, bringing up mud in his palms for proof of the twenty foot decent. Then there was Nils, his good friend for a long time, who leaned over the dock trying to catch a little fish in his hands, "Bear Grillz style". And me, occasionally going on the dock and jumping and diving back in, mostly just swimming around, floating on my back, treading water as I watched them be active. The sun set and lit up the clouds overhead so that my brother standing in the pink gold light of twilight appeared to glow.
I laughed a lot and it was a great release. It was nice to just hang out with the boys without tension and enjoy my brothers' company, even feeling Nils more and more like a brother, seeing his humorous side and being in such a loving mood.
Yesterday as I flipped through online photo albums of luscious men and women at the yoga school, I realized after awhile that I was viewing it all through the lens of my own insecurity. My mind was saying, oh my god, are these really my people? Remembering the depth of the relationship between Shambhu and Sandhya, I wondered what could our spiritual connection be? Reminding myself that I did not have to stay there, feeling amazed at their closeness and wondering about myself. But then I saw what I was doing, and I could feel happy for these happy social people in the photos, without jealousy, or insecurity.
By the way, I totally love Rod Silver (code name). He is an adviser in this office whom I have known for a long time, having met with him many times about my own study abroad experiences. He is married with three children but alas, there is something so supernaturally sweet and sexy as hell about this big, tall, short haired, big eyed possibly 40 something of a man. An early Sag, one of the most attractive times of the year for me in terms of the opposite sex. If I didn't think he would be compounded with complex feelings, I would seduce him. But a married man in this culture, that could only cause trouble, especially based from lust. Oh, Kali. Let not my lust lead me astray, away, from you.
While I floated in the lake last night I felt the pull of my heart towards you.
As practice I listened to the yoga nidra by Rod Stryker upon going to sleep with the intention of surrender.
I had this sensation of reckless abandon after dinner, when I could not be satiated, it seemed. And with that loss of control I felt my overself come in, take me to the lake, and remind me that surrender is the best option, for how can I take care of myself...
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
I want to talk to my sister.
I finished reading this most extraordinary autobiography, "Kali's Odiyya: A Shaman's True Story of Initiation" last night. It was so powerful and I am beyond myself trying to interpret how such events could occur in this universe.
I started the cleanse, excitedly, (remember Prabha encourages Shambu to act out his karmas with zeal, not attachment or indifference, but zealously), I don't know about zealously, and am now still quite hungry after a tasty lunch of summer vegan rolls.
And, remember that all desires are little attempts to be closer to God, the truth within each and every one of us. As I lay on the couch blanketed with my sister's shawl and my feet cozed into white socks, I released myself into Wah!'s chants to the mother. They say god responds to our yearning.
There is so much out there to read and practice and know. In the Art of Dying workshop I took earlier this year the teacher said that all you can take with you to the other side is your knowledge. I have heard this reiterated in other traditions, but I wonder if my initial interpretation was incorrect. For it is not your book knowledge that you take with you, but your spiritual knowledge. It is the state of your mind which you take with you--the knowledge refers to the knowledge you have gained in the purest and truest way, which is through deep meditation and introspection.
I finished reading this most extraordinary autobiography, "Kali's Odiyya: A Shaman's True Story of Initiation" last night. It was so powerful and I am beyond myself trying to interpret how such events could occur in this universe.
I started the cleanse, excitedly, (remember Prabha encourages Shambu to act out his karmas with zeal, not attachment or indifference, but zealously), I don't know about zealously, and am now still quite hungry after a tasty lunch of summer vegan rolls.
And, remember that all desires are little attempts to be closer to God, the truth within each and every one of us. As I lay on the couch blanketed with my sister's shawl and my feet cozed into white socks, I released myself into Wah!'s chants to the mother. They say god responds to our yearning.
There is so much out there to read and practice and know. In the Art of Dying workshop I took earlier this year the teacher said that all you can take with you to the other side is your knowledge. I have heard this reiterated in other traditions, but I wonder if my initial interpretation was incorrect. For it is not your book knowledge that you take with you, but your spiritual knowledge. It is the state of your mind which you take with you--the knowledge refers to the knowledge you have gained in the purest and truest way, which is through deep meditation and introspection.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Excerpt from "Kali's Oddiya"
"Strict control of the mind is not necessary. Only constant practice of ritual and intent is required."
"Ritual consists of actions done with intent. Meaning is irrelevant. Intellectual understanding of the ritual and the chants is counterproductive to the fostering of faith and intent...in the beginning some rituals are for integrating karmas into the intent. this produces bliss instead of guilt. Later, there are rituals that probe and extract power from Nature. Then there are rituals that convert this power into expanded awareness and growing freedom." The power and grace of the adept is vastly important.
"If karmas force sensual desires in your mind, then let them have their way. These thoughts come only now and then. But soon after they subside, use your free will and perform tenfold actions of a divine nature. By allowing the karmas to bloom, you will release energy trapped in them, thus exhausting the karmas. by performing acts of a divine nature, you will build up karmas that will you to the Divine Mother.
"On the other hand, if you project revulsion toward these karmas--shut them off and negate them--you will only succeed in creating a dark shadow person out of all these desires inside yourself. Once you have given life to the shadow being, it demands to be fed. When you deprive it of food--fulfillment of its desires--you act violently toward it. This is nothing but self violence, and that is the very first thing these scriptures ask you not to do."
"Do not split your mind with these cogitations. The Divine Mother loves, and this sensory world is Her beautiful body. All your desires are fragmented attempts at adoring and experiencing Her divine beauty."
"Only surrender can manifest worship. Acts of passion, if sanctified, can be transformed into articles of worship." Desire, passion, attachment, etc. are unrefined forms of love, with the highest form of love being worship.
"Lust is an act of violence, and guilt depreciates the joy that life is, and will lead to mental problems." Both lead to bondage. "Lust feeds your self-importance, which draws you into the hands of the demons. Guilt weakens your mind. It splinters the mind, making it feeble and unfit for the pursuit of freedom." Act with intent and complete surrender.
?How can an odiyya have an intent of his own, when he has surrendered?"
"When self-importance if surrendered, all that remains is unlimited awareness and one desire--the desire for freedom. Intent emerges out of these two."
"Ritual consists of actions done with intent. Meaning is irrelevant. Intellectual understanding of the ritual and the chants is counterproductive to the fostering of faith and intent...in the beginning some rituals are for integrating karmas into the intent. this produces bliss instead of guilt. Later, there are rituals that probe and extract power from Nature. Then there are rituals that convert this power into expanded awareness and growing freedom." The power and grace of the adept is vastly important.
"If karmas force sensual desires in your mind, then let them have their way. These thoughts come only now and then. But soon after they subside, use your free will and perform tenfold actions of a divine nature. By allowing the karmas to bloom, you will release energy trapped in them, thus exhausting the karmas. by performing acts of a divine nature, you will build up karmas that will you to the Divine Mother.
"On the other hand, if you project revulsion toward these karmas--shut them off and negate them--you will only succeed in creating a dark shadow person out of all these desires inside yourself. Once you have given life to the shadow being, it demands to be fed. When you deprive it of food--fulfillment of its desires--you act violently toward it. This is nothing but self violence, and that is the very first thing these scriptures ask you not to do."
"Do not split your mind with these cogitations. The Divine Mother loves, and this sensory world is Her beautiful body. All your desires are fragmented attempts at adoring and experiencing Her divine beauty."
"Only surrender can manifest worship. Acts of passion, if sanctified, can be transformed into articles of worship." Desire, passion, attachment, etc. are unrefined forms of love, with the highest form of love being worship.
"Lust is an act of violence, and guilt depreciates the joy that life is, and will lead to mental problems." Both lead to bondage. "Lust feeds your self-importance, which draws you into the hands of the demons. Guilt weakens your mind. It splinters the mind, making it feeble and unfit for the pursuit of freedom." Act with intent and complete surrender.
?How can an odiyya have an intent of his own, when he has surrendered?"
"When self-importance if surrendered, all that remains is unlimited awareness and one desire--the desire for freedom. Intent emerges out of these two."
Friday, August 3, 2007
Dinner Time
In my mind it said go ahead, eat. Then it began to sing it's nauseating song of "defeat, defeat." I couldn't stop eating and got full.
Mom said, "You succumbed. I can see why."
Something about this true reflection of my inner self, displayed by my all seeing mother for me to hear out loud, angered me. A part of myself I prefer not to face. Why see it like that.
She comes to take a taste. I say no. I don't want to see my trespassing affect her. She can't eat this stuff, it makes her sick, yet she wants to anyway. I can't stand watching her, her desire to eat things she KNOWS make her feel ill unabated.
"Just a tiny little bite," she says, as she dips a sliver of a chip into the dip. "It's sooooo good." She croons as she walks away.
It is too late for me. This time the true sense of irritation and near fury arose. Just like it used to, unquestioned, when she did irritating things like that.
What had been an enjoyable dinner turned distasteful in my mouth. My own irritation had ruined my meal. I continued to eat, in this way punishing myself to some extent. Poisoning my self in a small way, eating without really enjoying, eating beyond full and wishing along the way to have enough room to shove more down. And feeling fat.
I turn to Win, not angry with him for his usual silence but just defeated. I watched the sensation in myself and didn't care much for it, nor much to change it. I feel myself going into the same space I was in before when I was here. Not practising and becoming involved with my own neurosis. Calling myself pathological, realizing this sensation becoming like the one I tried to run from in Thailand. It had crept up there and I knew I had to get away to break the cycle.
How do I get away from myself? I even desired a beer, remembering that this used to be how I felt all the time, only much more unconsciously. Now, as I feel it more consciously, it's like just feeling it is enough to bring to unconscious cause I can't stand it. I shouldn't be here, I want to be in Thailand where it's better, I want to be alone, and I know it is none of these things. Or is it?
I'm back with ice cream. Is someone out there saying I clearly have an eating disorder? Cause I don't think it's a real disorder til I am on the verge of death. I would never go that far. This is merely a bit of a pathology I haven't been able to get a handle on and I would like to know why.
So I read about poverty and starvation. It is as though we are balancing each other unconsciously, but both at such ends of the scale it is not good for anyone. While I stuff my face, they starve. I am trying to fill the emptiness, the void, ignorning that this is God. I feel the imbalance of the world and am trying to make up for it in the wrong way.
Now I just feel rather ill. I see the food churning in my belly and it is so close to me I can't get away from it. That is the delusion. Take care, my love. What is the purpose of this? How do I be free of this demon once and for all?
Mom said, "You succumbed. I can see why."
Something about this true reflection of my inner self, displayed by my all seeing mother for me to hear out loud, angered me. A part of myself I prefer not to face. Why see it like that.
She comes to take a taste. I say no. I don't want to see my trespassing affect her. She can't eat this stuff, it makes her sick, yet she wants to anyway. I can't stand watching her, her desire to eat things she KNOWS make her feel ill unabated.
"Just a tiny little bite," she says, as she dips a sliver of a chip into the dip. "It's sooooo good." She croons as she walks away.
It is too late for me. This time the true sense of irritation and near fury arose. Just like it used to, unquestioned, when she did irritating things like that.
What had been an enjoyable dinner turned distasteful in my mouth. My own irritation had ruined my meal. I continued to eat, in this way punishing myself to some extent. Poisoning my self in a small way, eating without really enjoying, eating beyond full and wishing along the way to have enough room to shove more down. And feeling fat.
I turn to Win, not angry with him for his usual silence but just defeated. I watched the sensation in myself and didn't care much for it, nor much to change it. I feel myself going into the same space I was in before when I was here. Not practising and becoming involved with my own neurosis. Calling myself pathological, realizing this sensation becoming like the one I tried to run from in Thailand. It had crept up there and I knew I had to get away to break the cycle.
How do I get away from myself? I even desired a beer, remembering that this used to be how I felt all the time, only much more unconsciously. Now, as I feel it more consciously, it's like just feeling it is enough to bring to unconscious cause I can't stand it. I shouldn't be here, I want to be in Thailand where it's better, I want to be alone, and I know it is none of these things. Or is it?
I'm back with ice cream. Is someone out there saying I clearly have an eating disorder? Cause I don't think it's a real disorder til I am on the verge of death. I would never go that far. This is merely a bit of a pathology I haven't been able to get a handle on and I would like to know why.
So I read about poverty and starvation. It is as though we are balancing each other unconsciously, but both at such ends of the scale it is not good for anyone. While I stuff my face, they starve. I am trying to fill the emptiness, the void, ignorning that this is God. I feel the imbalance of the world and am trying to make up for it in the wrong way.
Now I just feel rather ill. I see the food churning in my belly and it is so close to me I can't get away from it. That is the delusion. Take care, my love. What is the purpose of this? How do I be free of this demon once and for all?
Dreams
So, after the tarot reading, the Heirophant's hello, and a renewed sense of cheerfulness, I visited many people in my dreams.
First I go into a room where there is a large gathering of family. Grandmom, Louis, Lynn and my parents and others sit in a big circle. I go up to my uncle and stick my cheek in front of his face for a kiss, then go to greet Aunt Lynn. Not much more happens here that I recall.
Then I am with Luc and we are on campus, looking for a parking space, deciding to park somewhere under a large constructed roof and hoping we won't get a ticket. Then we are in a house and grace is there, dressed in a beautiful red outfit. I am irritated at some point with the situation, but consciously become more relaxed as Luc and I work together to prepare dinner or something of the sort. I notice the mood shift in myself in the dream. It is a repeat of last night talking with my parents, when my mom turned to me and said about my dad, "he just loves to hear himself talk. He sounds like he knows what he's talking about because he has this deep resonant voice, but if you look of most of the things he says they are based on nothing. He is talking out of his hat, as my father used to say." There is part of me that is irritated with her for always pointing things out about dad that seem to me obvious reflections of herself, and also it just seems like a divisive sort of speech. But then I see her as a little girl, and her father saying, "look at that guy, just speaking out of his hat," and the closeness she may have felt to him while he shared that information, that judgment of another, with her. Then dad returns and smiles, saying, "I just love these kinds of conversations." I reply: "And I just love listening," ironically a bit, and he laughs, "I know, otherwise you would have left." Mom then says something under her breath and points to dad, and I am again irritated, now I think she is acting really childish. I say so out loud, but then consciously it seems choose to change my attitude, instead of angrily pointing out her childish behavior, I laughingly tease her for being like a child and pretending that dad can not hear her. Dad laughs as well, and so does mom. In this way I am able to see mom as the fun loving person she is and make what I would otherwise interpret as divisive speech into a joke that we bond over, affectionately teasing mom and her childlike ways.
A similar mood change is reflected in the dream, when I am irritated with Luc then somehow become happy and communicative.
Later I am with Jackie and Leigh, high school buddies, encouraging Leigh to take a day of silence for its many benefits I know she would enjoy.
From there I hear clearly my name, "Rowe," and I wake up, the sound so clear I am sure it came from this world. But of course no one is there and I don't know where the sound came from. I am shocked awake and realize I have to pee quite badly so I get up and go. It is 5:50. I think it is my self calling me to wake up, as I have been sleeping late and suffering for it the past week. Now I am awake in such a way that going back to sleep seems an unattractive option for I am a bit fearful and disturbed.
I'm sorry, whatever benevolent force called me, for still I went back into bed, a bit fearful and looking around until I dozed off again, this time into a dream time almost mirroring real time. There I am with mom and my sister going to a yoga class though at what seems sort of like a daycare center in a mall. I dream of coffee for the second time in a row (yesterday I also dreamt of coffee and extended family members), going to buy a cup while waiting for the yoga class to begin. In the mall Bub gives me her credit card and I walk into a shop, only to discover that they do not sell coffee as I had expected. I return to them and enter the classroom, class will start soon at 7:30. Michel is there, with dark hair and looking young, attractive. I greet him. I am wearing Bub's flowing white skirt and wonder if I can practice in it. I go into the bathroom in the dream but don't end up going.
When I wake up it is 7:30, just as that class was to start, and I must get up in order to make it to work on time. Without thinking I put on the same white skirt I wore in the dream, recalling easily that it is Friday, the day of Venus, who is in resonance with the color white. I decide to fast, easily, and choose not to wear the necklace I have worn all week as a show of some sort of purity in non-adornment, though the white skirt if flowing and cozy to wear. It is only later that I consciously recall wearing that skirt in the dream.
Alas, who was it who called me like that?
First I go into a room where there is a large gathering of family. Grandmom, Louis, Lynn and my parents and others sit in a big circle. I go up to my uncle and stick my cheek in front of his face for a kiss, then go to greet Aunt Lynn. Not much more happens here that I recall.
Then I am with Luc and we are on campus, looking for a parking space, deciding to park somewhere under a large constructed roof and hoping we won't get a ticket. Then we are in a house and grace is there, dressed in a beautiful red outfit. I am irritated at some point with the situation, but consciously become more relaxed as Luc and I work together to prepare dinner or something of the sort. I notice the mood shift in myself in the dream. It is a repeat of last night talking with my parents, when my mom turned to me and said about my dad, "he just loves to hear himself talk. He sounds like he knows what he's talking about because he has this deep resonant voice, but if you look of most of the things he says they are based on nothing. He is talking out of his hat, as my father used to say." There is part of me that is irritated with her for always pointing things out about dad that seem to me obvious reflections of herself, and also it just seems like a divisive sort of speech. But then I see her as a little girl, and her father saying, "look at that guy, just speaking out of his hat," and the closeness she may have felt to him while he shared that information, that judgment of another, with her. Then dad returns and smiles, saying, "I just love these kinds of conversations." I reply: "And I just love listening," ironically a bit, and he laughs, "I know, otherwise you would have left." Mom then says something under her breath and points to dad, and I am again irritated, now I think she is acting really childish. I say so out loud, but then consciously it seems choose to change my attitude, instead of angrily pointing out her childish behavior, I laughingly tease her for being like a child and pretending that dad can not hear her. Dad laughs as well, and so does mom. In this way I am able to see mom as the fun loving person she is and make what I would otherwise interpret as divisive speech into a joke that we bond over, affectionately teasing mom and her childlike ways.
A similar mood change is reflected in the dream, when I am irritated with Luc then somehow become happy and communicative.
Later I am with Jackie and Leigh, high school buddies, encouraging Leigh to take a day of silence for its many benefits I know she would enjoy.
From there I hear clearly my name, "Rowe," and I wake up, the sound so clear I am sure it came from this world. But of course no one is there and I don't know where the sound came from. I am shocked awake and realize I have to pee quite badly so I get up and go. It is 5:50. I think it is my self calling me to wake up, as I have been sleeping late and suffering for it the past week. Now I am awake in such a way that going back to sleep seems an unattractive option for I am a bit fearful and disturbed.
I'm sorry, whatever benevolent force called me, for still I went back into bed, a bit fearful and looking around until I dozed off again, this time into a dream time almost mirroring real time. There I am with mom and my sister going to a yoga class though at what seems sort of like a daycare center in a mall. I dream of coffee for the second time in a row (yesterday I also dreamt of coffee and extended family members), going to buy a cup while waiting for the yoga class to begin. In the mall Bub gives me her credit card and I walk into a shop, only to discover that they do not sell coffee as I had expected. I return to them and enter the classroom, class will start soon at 7:30. Michel is there, with dark hair and looking young, attractive. I greet him. I am wearing Bub's flowing white skirt and wonder if I can practice in it. I go into the bathroom in the dream but don't end up going.
When I wake up it is 7:30, just as that class was to start, and I must get up in order to make it to work on time. Without thinking I put on the same white skirt I wore in the dream, recalling easily that it is Friday, the day of Venus, who is in resonance with the color white. I decide to fast, easily, and choose not to wear the necklace I have worn all week as a show of some sort of purity in non-adornment, though the white skirt if flowing and cozy to wear. It is only later that I consciously recall wearing that skirt in the dream.
Alas, who was it who called me like that?
Evening Talks and Tarot
Last night I did a lot of conversing upon returning home from work, via my brother, who came to pick me up. I hope that satisfied the five elements of a right decision.
I talked with him while he circled the fan and scrunched up his face responding mainly to my dialogue on death and the importance of facing things with "no! why!" and then laughing that it was fun to just that. I found it fun too and curious trying to decipher if what he was saying was an accurate representation of his actions, which speak for themselves. His case is one of non-commitment, non-choosing. Though he said a very interesting thing which is this: "You don't
start having experiences until you commit one hundred percent." I interpret this as the idea that you don't gain admittance, or have the mystical experiences you learn exist, until you commit 100% to them. I guess there is adequate evidence against this.
In any case, after awhile he got tired of the talk, unsure of whether he was gaining any ground, if it mattered that he gain ground, and probably wanting to get back to his video games since he claims he spends all his time trying to avoid these types of conversations with us.
A walk with mom and youngest brother around the block, talking about death some more. Win says he thinks I am brainwashed into believing in God and all this stuff. I asked why it isn't brainwashing that he doesn't care about God way or the other. And I laughed, saying I chose this option, I looked around and picked a program, i.e., I want to "brainwashed" this way.
Inside talking with dad and mom in the living room. Maybe it's the lack of interaction at work that leads me to be so talkative later on. We talk about the seven kinds of twin souls, which Olga says there are seven and only seven, which are: Healer, Magus, Teacher, Messenger, Protector, Warrior, Executor. If you find which one is your essence and become one with it, it is the fastest way toward self-realization, or the land of Shambhala, a.k.a. Belovodia, whichever name you prefer it refers to the mystical land of eternal beings guiding humanity from an Enlightened energy and perspective. Who wouldn't want to go there?
Or rather, become there, as the idea of going somewhere is often called erroneous. I think you can look at things in at least two different ways to interpret what is actually the same phenomena.
So, I ask the tarot cards who or what my twin soul is. I am looking for a major arcana, something obvious. I get a situation of cups, which mom interprets as my ability to go to extremes in order to get what I want--read, Psyche taking the mask off Eros and then later (8) going into the underworld to retrieve him after making that mistake. The Moon is looking over the situation while the Page of Pentacles is underlying. I see femininity and the Goddess overlooking and something to do with money...
In the immediate future is the Nine of Wands, one step before the close of the Golden Fleece hunt in the story of Jason, and it seems to imply that I will be recognized for my efforts--a bit of a mystery.
Then, finally, come Temperance in the position of the final outcome. She is the feminine, feeling aspect of the Goddess who is constantly keeping the balance. She is also a messenger, delivering messages from Hera and Zeus to the humans. Her drawback is that she is always serving someone else and can at times be "wishy washy" as she can equally see the feelings of both. In this description is a nice description of the difference between feelings and emotions. Emotions are visceral responses to a situation while feeling is intuition, of a higher order.
An interpretation online:
http://www.tarotteachings.com/temperance-tarot-card-meanings.html
I feel that the card of Temperance represents either a Messenger or an Executor--as she gives messages while also managing the balance between people and gods.
One final card? Ok. I send the thought that let this card be a final clarification of the ones before. It is the one I had my eye out for all along. It is the Heirophant. He is a philosopher, half god, half centaur, who blazes his own path based on connection to the divine through his own heart and self. Mom says oh, it just took the third try to get the right card, but that is you. It is sweet, for a few weeks ago I asked the position of a certain person in my life and the response was the Heirophant. I thought this was his way of saying, I am here with you. I took it as such and also noticed the ways in which this character informs myself.
http://www.tarotteachings.com/hierophant-tarot-card-meanings.html
I went to sleep focusing on my astral and pondering the role of Messenger, one I had not thought to associate myself with before. There is something humble and sweet about it, and I even think that with the yoga I will teach at Agama I am more of a messenger than a teacher, simply sharing the practice rather than really waking people up such as the Buddha had.
I talked with him while he circled the fan and scrunched up his face responding mainly to my dialogue on death and the importance of facing things with "no! why!" and then laughing that it was fun to just that. I found it fun too and curious trying to decipher if what he was saying was an accurate representation of his actions, which speak for themselves. His case is one of non-commitment, non-choosing. Though he said a very interesting thing which is this: "You don't
start having experiences until you commit one hundred percent." I interpret this as the idea that you don't gain admittance, or have the mystical experiences you learn exist, until you commit 100% to them. I guess there is adequate evidence against this.
In any case, after awhile he got tired of the talk, unsure of whether he was gaining any ground, if it mattered that he gain ground, and probably wanting to get back to his video games since he claims he spends all his time trying to avoid these types of conversations with us.
A walk with mom and youngest brother around the block, talking about death some more. Win says he thinks I am brainwashed into believing in God and all this stuff. I asked why it isn't brainwashing that he doesn't care about God way or the other. And I laughed, saying I chose this option, I looked around and picked a program, i.e., I want to "brainwashed" this way.
Inside talking with dad and mom in the living room. Maybe it's the lack of interaction at work that leads me to be so talkative later on. We talk about the seven kinds of twin souls, which Olga says there are seven and only seven, which are: Healer, Magus, Teacher, Messenger, Protector, Warrior, Executor. If you find which one is your essence and become one with it, it is the fastest way toward self-realization, or the land of Shambhala, a.k.a. Belovodia, whichever name you prefer it refers to the mystical land of eternal beings guiding humanity from an Enlightened energy and perspective. Who wouldn't want to go there?
Or rather, become there, as the idea of going somewhere is often called erroneous. I think you can look at things in at least two different ways to interpret what is actually the same phenomena.
So, I ask the tarot cards who or what my twin soul is. I am looking for a major arcana, something obvious. I get a situation of cups, which mom interprets as my ability to go to extremes in order to get what I want--read, Psyche taking the mask off Eros and then later (8) going into the underworld to retrieve him after making that mistake. The Moon is looking over the situation while the Page of Pentacles is underlying. I see femininity and the Goddess overlooking and something to do with money...
In the immediate future is the Nine of Wands, one step before the close of the Golden Fleece hunt in the story of Jason, and it seems to imply that I will be recognized for my efforts--a bit of a mystery.
Then, finally, come Temperance in the position of the final outcome. She is the feminine, feeling aspect of the Goddess who is constantly keeping the balance. She is also a messenger, delivering messages from Hera and Zeus to the humans. Her drawback is that she is always serving someone else and can at times be "wishy washy" as she can equally see the feelings of both. In this description is a nice description of the difference between feelings and emotions. Emotions are visceral responses to a situation while feeling is intuition, of a higher order.
An interpretation online:
http://www.tarotteachings.com/temperance-tarot-card-meanings.html
I feel that the card of Temperance represents either a Messenger or an Executor--as she gives messages while also managing the balance between people and gods.
One final card? Ok. I send the thought that let this card be a final clarification of the ones before. It is the one I had my eye out for all along. It is the Heirophant. He is a philosopher, half god, half centaur, who blazes his own path based on connection to the divine through his own heart and self. Mom says oh, it just took the third try to get the right card, but that is you. It is sweet, for a few weeks ago I asked the position of a certain person in my life and the response was the Heirophant. I thought this was his way of saying, I am here with you. I took it as such and also noticed the ways in which this character informs myself.
http://www.tarotteachings.com/hierophant-tarot-card-meanings.html
I went to sleep focusing on my astral and pondering the role of Messenger, one I had not thought to associate myself with before. There is something humble and sweet about it, and I even think that with the yoga I will teach at Agama I am more of a messenger than a teacher, simply sharing the practice rather than really waking people up such as the Buddha had.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Truth, beauty, happiness, health, light
Let's take two example questions, one big and one small, in order to analyze the meaning of the following five attributes.
1. Should I return to Thailand to teach yoga?
2. Should I walk home from the bus stop or call my brother for a ride home from work today?
Both of these questions are important to me; they are not random questions in which I am not invested.
TRUTH
What does it mean for a decision to satisfy the requirement of truth? What is truth? I think that each of these attributes must be interpreted on your own for each question. Why the RIGHT decision for me might be to return to Thailand to teach yoga, it may not be RIGHT for someone else according to how it fulfills these attributes for them. Remember, Olga says the RIGHT decision must satisfy all FIVE requirements. Let's try not to deceive ourselves.
What does a RIGHT decision have to do with truth? My ideas are that the right decision may: lead you toward truth, by what you truly want, in truth be the right thing to do. Lead yourself and OTHERS to the truth.
1. If I return to Thailand to teach yoga, a.) will it lead me towards truth? b.) Is it what I truly want? If I answer yes to these, then it will be the right thing to do according to truth.
2. Will taking the bus home or getting a ride lead me more towards truth? This is impossible to say. Again, what is truth? Is truth GOD? And which do I truly want, to take the bus or get picked up?
BEAUTY
I am already feeling pretty stumped here. Let's look at beauty. For a decision to satisfy the beauty requirement, how about the RIGHT decision leads you to beauty, creates beauty for yourself and others. Is beauty GOD?
1. Will returning to Thailand to teach yoga create beauty? Yes, it has a lot of potential to do that, though it depends on my ability to create beauty. Will returning to Thailand to teach yoga lead me to beauty? Again, if I create beauty, I will surely be led to beauty. If not, no.
2. Taking the bus and walking may create more beauty in my body through exercise and lead to more beauty in the environment saving on pollution of one car. However, getting a ride may create beauty in my relationship and he may go out anyway in which case it is fairly even so far; again dependent on my own ability to create beauty in whatever I do.
HAPPINESS
The RIGHT decision should create happiness and lead to happiness. What is true happiness? That which lasts forever, right? Is happiness GOD?
1. Yoga in Thailand. Although I am again struck with the same issues as above, as in, the happiness created and lead to will depend on my ability to create and lead to happiness, in this case I know from past experience that yoga is an extremely reliable tool in terms of creating happiness. I can give an almost full YES that going to Thailand to teach yoga will create and lead me to happiness.
2. Taking the bus may create and lead to happiness for myself and others if it is what I want to do, in which case I will enjoy it and smile at others and bring a positive mood. If it is not what I want, then it will potentially not create happiness. Same stands for getting the ride.
HEALTH
The right decision should create and lead to health for myself and others. This I take as physical, mental, spiritual, and psychological health. A lot to ask for!
1. Yoga in Thailand. Similar to above. Very good track record to health being created and sustained by a good yoga practice. Spiritual health is developed along with the others. Health of the planet a bit threatened by the long plane ride I take to get there but may be negligible compared to other long term benefits.
2. Taking the bus: health of body improved through walking, health of planet improved through conservation of resources, [conflict in mind: health of body improved through walking but what if i take a walk later with mom thereby improving two persons health over one?]
Getting ride: health improved over joy of getting a ride.
LIGHT
The RIGHT decision should bring more LIGHT to myself and the world.
1. Training in yoga and learning to teach will clearly bring more light to myself and the world.
2. Taking the bus may bring more light to the world as an environmentally friendly decision.
In conclusion, I realize that going through this task has not clarified so much whether the decisions I make will bring these aspects into the world as much as made it clear what I actually WANT to do. And then when I know what I want I know that that decision is the one which will satisfy all five aspects. For example, today I want to get a ride home and since that is the case, I can see that it is the decision which will satisfy all requirements. Or am I just blinded by laziness?
How about the question of should I go to visit Mai in NY before I go to Thailand. Truth is brought by being true to myself, beauty the same, happiness the same, health the same, and light the same. These questions are tools for which to understand whether a decision is what you truly desire. And because I believe that God is what we all truly desire, in fact, then discovering our true desire is discovering God. what a dream it has become!
I thought the point would be that it is not always easy to make the right decision. But that contributes to the cloud around knowing whether a decision is right or wrong when you know you want to do something which is not RIGHT. For example, have coffee. If it is what I truly want, it is right, because it will lead to the five aspects. However, if I know it will not lead to the five aspects and do it regardless.
I am beginning to realize the prison of intellectualism.
1. Should I return to Thailand to teach yoga?
2. Should I walk home from the bus stop or call my brother for a ride home from work today?
Both of these questions are important to me; they are not random questions in which I am not invested.
TRUTH
What does it mean for a decision to satisfy the requirement of truth? What is truth? I think that each of these attributes must be interpreted on your own for each question. Why the RIGHT decision for me might be to return to Thailand to teach yoga, it may not be RIGHT for someone else according to how it fulfills these attributes for them. Remember, Olga says the RIGHT decision must satisfy all FIVE requirements. Let's try not to deceive ourselves.
What does a RIGHT decision have to do with truth? My ideas are that the right decision may: lead you toward truth, by what you truly want, in truth be the right thing to do. Lead yourself and OTHERS to the truth.
1. If I return to Thailand to teach yoga, a.) will it lead me towards truth? b.) Is it what I truly want? If I answer yes to these, then it will be the right thing to do according to truth.
2. Will taking the bus home or getting a ride lead me more towards truth? This is impossible to say. Again, what is truth? Is truth GOD? And which do I truly want, to take the bus or get picked up?
BEAUTY
I am already feeling pretty stumped here. Let's look at beauty. For a decision to satisfy the beauty requirement, how about the RIGHT decision leads you to beauty, creates beauty for yourself and others. Is beauty GOD?
1. Will returning to Thailand to teach yoga create beauty? Yes, it has a lot of potential to do that, though it depends on my ability to create beauty. Will returning to Thailand to teach yoga lead me to beauty? Again, if I create beauty, I will surely be led to beauty. If not, no.
2. Taking the bus and walking may create more beauty in my body through exercise and lead to more beauty in the environment saving on pollution of one car. However, getting a ride may create beauty in my relationship and he may go out anyway in which case it is fairly even so far; again dependent on my own ability to create beauty in whatever I do.
HAPPINESS
The RIGHT decision should create happiness and lead to happiness. What is true happiness? That which lasts forever, right? Is happiness GOD?
1. Yoga in Thailand. Although I am again struck with the same issues as above, as in, the happiness created and lead to will depend on my ability to create and lead to happiness, in this case I know from past experience that yoga is an extremely reliable tool in terms of creating happiness. I can give an almost full YES that going to Thailand to teach yoga will create and lead me to happiness.
2. Taking the bus may create and lead to happiness for myself and others if it is what I want to do, in which case I will enjoy it and smile at others and bring a positive mood. If it is not what I want, then it will potentially not create happiness. Same stands for getting the ride.
HEALTH
The right decision should create and lead to health for myself and others. This I take as physical, mental, spiritual, and psychological health. A lot to ask for!
1. Yoga in Thailand. Similar to above. Very good track record to health being created and sustained by a good yoga practice. Spiritual health is developed along with the others. Health of the planet a bit threatened by the long plane ride I take to get there but may be negligible compared to other long term benefits.
2. Taking the bus: health of body improved through walking, health of planet improved through conservation of resources, [conflict in mind: health of body improved through walking but what if i take a walk later with mom thereby improving two persons health over one?]
Getting ride: health improved over joy of getting a ride.
LIGHT
The RIGHT decision should bring more LIGHT to myself and the world.
1. Training in yoga and learning to teach will clearly bring more light to myself and the world.
2. Taking the bus may bring more light to the world as an environmentally friendly decision.
In conclusion, I realize that going through this task has not clarified so much whether the decisions I make will bring these aspects into the world as much as made it clear what I actually WANT to do. And then when I know what I want I know that that decision is the one which will satisfy all five aspects. For example, today I want to get a ride home and since that is the case, I can see that it is the decision which will satisfy all requirements. Or am I just blinded by laziness?
How about the question of should I go to visit Mai in NY before I go to Thailand. Truth is brought by being true to myself, beauty the same, happiness the same, health the same, and light the same. These questions are tools for which to understand whether a decision is what you truly desire. And because I believe that God is what we all truly desire, in fact, then discovering our true desire is discovering God. what a dream it has become!
I thought the point would be that it is not always easy to make the right decision. But that contributes to the cloud around knowing whether a decision is right or wrong when you know you want to do something which is not RIGHT. For example, have coffee. If it is what I truly want, it is right, because it will lead to the five aspects. However, if I know it will not lead to the five aspects and do it regardless.
I am beginning to realize the prison of intellectualism.
Friendship
I just had lunch with my best friend since I was 13. Is this a good reflection of myself or what? What kind of relationship has formed over all these years?
Well, what interests me is that as we grow older--at least as I grow older, and begin to solidify or form some basic beliefs, I am more interested in how others live their lives and somehow my interest is often mistaken for criticism. It is not always a mistake. And how to tell the difference, for myself and for others, is not always obvious.
What is the tension between Lis and I? I see it as clearly a reflection of the tension within myself. I have noticed a tricky cycle beginning in me. It is the cycle of excess, of waste, in which I lose interest in the disciplines that make my life meaningful and give it shape in favor of an energy that causes expansion and destruction. Excess yin, anyone?
And so if manifests in less ability to be happy and detached. The trick is that my mind doubts that happy and detached was ever really good for me at all. In fact, this part of myself, this memory demon, this devil, this gap, this neurological habitual pattern, whatever you call it, wants me to believe that the best thing for me to do is abandon all the practical knowledge I have gained, both intellectually and practically, in favor of its own modus operandi. The part of me that doesn't want to do this, my good fairy, if you will, gets distorted in the mix into what I call the "Redemption Pattern". The redemption pattern works like this: I go into excess (for example, a cup of coffee when I know it will cause negative feelings, followed by a cookie and later another drink, spending excess money and earning excess calories which put pounds on me I will not dispute that I don't want), and then the good fairy turns to work in its favor by saying, go ahead and go into excess now, because tomorrow (which never comes as such) I will go on a great diet and feel so much better, but today it's ok to have that extra caffeine/sugar/etc.
Even recognizing it, I fall for it. How do I battle this clever demon? It makes me wish to move to a monastery where all I eat is gruel to subdue this gnawing sensational desires! I either want to stuff my face until I am sick, or starve to make it through. This is what I call excess.
What about the middle path which I love so much? Granted, I would consider this pathology as middle path pathology. I don't really make myself sick eating too much, nor do I ever really deny myself in compensation. I have a middle ground yin imbalance.
The hard thing is that almost everyone around me has a middle ground yin imbalance. It is the "normal" way to be here in mainstream america. And although I don't want to be this person, somehow not to be feels in itself as though I am trespassing, or breaking the rules. When in fact, to act on this way, I am breaking my own rules.
What is the benefit of having bought a syrup based chai in order to process this and write it down? Would it not be better to simply do 45 uddiyana bandha's and fast for a day? Certainly it probably would and I can't find a logical argument against that except my own weakness. Why is it that I do not want to have the energy I had even just last week, when during lunch break I would go and do my yoga practice instead of drinking extra sugar and caffeine?
My brother put it eloquently yesterday when he said he was afraid that if he went out and explored the world, he would have too much energy to be able to stay at home and play video games. I asked what the benefit of playing video games was that it is so great to keep you from exploring something that would give him more energy.
But I know exactly what he means. It is escapist denial, as our friend put it.
Escapist denial is exactly how I manage to make choices which to do not benefit my true desires and goals in life. I escape from reality into the substance of abuse and deny that it will have any effect. The reason I like it is because it is extremely habitual.
now, as I asked before in a previous post, how I do break this pattern, or, in other words, get a new program? I don't want my perspective getting caught on this one note over and over the way it does, yet my ability to control it is precisely the issue.
Olga Kharitidi discusses the art of making a decision, pointing out that the ability to truly make THE RIGHT decision comes from discovering your own true will and making a conscious decision from this place. This implies that anything you do which is not done from this space of will and consciousness can not be classified as decision making, when in fact you are simply following the flow of nature, or karma. The final decision to make it seems is to flow with nature, as the Taoist advises, somehow joining the masculine act of taking a decision with the feminine nature of going with the flow. This, I imagine, is at least one step towards the ultimate union.
Actually I never thought of that before and I like it. It finally clarifies some of Lao Tzu's complicated yet extremely simple teachings.
Kharitidi says the a decision can made consciously when you test it for five conditions. Anytime you make a decision, big or small, you must evaluate that it fulfills the following five qualities: truth, beauty, health, happiness, light. Now, one might take a crash course on what these five attributes mean before they become the guiding post of your life.
Well, what interests me is that as we grow older--at least as I grow older, and begin to solidify or form some basic beliefs, I am more interested in how others live their lives and somehow my interest is often mistaken for criticism. It is not always a mistake. And how to tell the difference, for myself and for others, is not always obvious.
What is the tension between Lis and I? I see it as clearly a reflection of the tension within myself. I have noticed a tricky cycle beginning in me. It is the cycle of excess, of waste, in which I lose interest in the disciplines that make my life meaningful and give it shape in favor of an energy that causes expansion and destruction. Excess yin, anyone?
And so if manifests in less ability to be happy and detached. The trick is that my mind doubts that happy and detached was ever really good for me at all. In fact, this part of myself, this memory demon, this devil, this gap, this neurological habitual pattern, whatever you call it, wants me to believe that the best thing for me to do is abandon all the practical knowledge I have gained, both intellectually and practically, in favor of its own modus operandi. The part of me that doesn't want to do this, my good fairy, if you will, gets distorted in the mix into what I call the "Redemption Pattern". The redemption pattern works like this: I go into excess (for example, a cup of coffee when I know it will cause negative feelings, followed by a cookie and later another drink, spending excess money and earning excess calories which put pounds on me I will not dispute that I don't want), and then the good fairy turns to work in its favor by saying, go ahead and go into excess now, because tomorrow (which never comes as such) I will go on a great diet and feel so much better, but today it's ok to have that extra caffeine/sugar/etc.
Even recognizing it, I fall for it. How do I battle this clever demon? It makes me wish to move to a monastery where all I eat is gruel to subdue this gnawing sensational desires! I either want to stuff my face until I am sick, or starve to make it through. This is what I call excess.
What about the middle path which I love so much? Granted, I would consider this pathology as middle path pathology. I don't really make myself sick eating too much, nor do I ever really deny myself in compensation. I have a middle ground yin imbalance.
The hard thing is that almost everyone around me has a middle ground yin imbalance. It is the "normal" way to be here in mainstream america. And although I don't want to be this person, somehow not to be feels in itself as though I am trespassing, or breaking the rules. When in fact, to act on this way, I am breaking my own rules.
What is the benefit of having bought a syrup based chai in order to process this and write it down? Would it not be better to simply do 45 uddiyana bandha's and fast for a day? Certainly it probably would and I can't find a logical argument against that except my own weakness. Why is it that I do not want to have the energy I had even just last week, when during lunch break I would go and do my yoga practice instead of drinking extra sugar and caffeine?
My brother put it eloquently yesterday when he said he was afraid that if he went out and explored the world, he would have too much energy to be able to stay at home and play video games. I asked what the benefit of playing video games was that it is so great to keep you from exploring something that would give him more energy.
But I know exactly what he means. It is escapist denial, as our friend put it.
Escapist denial is exactly how I manage to make choices which to do not benefit my true desires and goals in life. I escape from reality into the substance of abuse and deny that it will have any effect. The reason I like it is because it is extremely habitual.
now, as I asked before in a previous post, how I do break this pattern, or, in other words, get a new program? I don't want my perspective getting caught on this one note over and over the way it does, yet my ability to control it is precisely the issue.
Olga Kharitidi discusses the art of making a decision, pointing out that the ability to truly make THE RIGHT decision comes from discovering your own true will and making a conscious decision from this place. This implies that anything you do which is not done from this space of will and consciousness can not be classified as decision making, when in fact you are simply following the flow of nature, or karma. The final decision to make it seems is to flow with nature, as the Taoist advises, somehow joining the masculine act of taking a decision with the feminine nature of going with the flow. This, I imagine, is at least one step towards the ultimate union.
Actually I never thought of that before and I like it. It finally clarifies some of Lao Tzu's complicated yet extremely simple teachings.
Kharitidi says the a decision can made consciously when you test it for five conditions. Anytime you make a decision, big or small, you must evaluate that it fulfills the following five qualities: truth, beauty, health, happiness, light. Now, one might take a crash course on what these five attributes mean before they become the guiding post of your life.
organizational woes
Ok, this may sound obvious to most of you, but I just realized something upon waking this morning.
It Is: there is nothing "wrong" with the lack of organizational routine and practice in my life, it is me and purely me who becomes extremely ill at ease in a life without a consistent spiritual practice. The point is that there is no objective truth to the universe that says in order to lead a spiritual and meaningful life one must get up every morning and do hours of practice and eat a completely pure diet, etc. etc. This is the conditioning of my own mind! It all goes back to the way my mind interpreted the way to understand and practice the teachings.
It is still helpful to know, and in fact I think there may be some larger organizational principle to human life, clearly evidenced by the way humans consistently organize themselves into units, groups, etc. Though honestly, I think it may not be the same experience for all of us. We all come here with our own program and interpret reality through those filters.
So a little triumph in figuring out another lens through which I am predisposed to see the world, and hence judge my own experience in it.
This is one of the reasons why lately I have become less inspired, less happy. I attribute it obviously to the fact that my practice has diminished due to working 40 hours per week which miraculously drains my inspiration to do anything else (despite that my "work" is hanging out in an office playing on the computer and reading all day). But further up, a meta realization, if you will, is the lens I use to judge that if my practice is decreased and along with it, obviously, my desire to practice, this removes what I consider the "good" organizational structure from my life (this is constantly recurring, by the way) which increases my sensation that something is "wrong" with me and the way I am living my life. I have simply replaced the organizational structure of practice and discipline with a job and hanging out with family and sleeping in the off time, which leaves my soul lacking.
Alas, what is wrong is not what I am actually doing (albeit there is something to that of course), but how I perceive what I am doing.
I am constantly playing out this game in my head, going from being "good" to "bad" in terms of my diet, practice, relationships, etc. And the "bad" aspects are simply representations of me getting stuck on some aspect of behavior which I get drawn into , a heavy energy, which takes me away from seeing what is going on in this moment, which may be out of my organizational reality of "goodness" but which may, and most definitely does, open doors in a thousand other directions could I only perceive them. It is the rut of guilt and focusing on what is wrong which keeps me from realizing that everything is right and, more importantly, LIGHT.
It is like a faulty program that has a glitch. If I go off the radar screen it is like a broken record. What do you do when your cd starts skipping? Or, in this case a better analogy is when it gets stuck on one note and won't move on. The obvious solution is to skip to the next track. If it continues to ruin the entire album, you may buy a new album. Read: get a new program.
I might say, it's not so easy to get a new program, it's not as easy as going out to the store to buy a new cd. It's more like I ordered this one cd from the netherworld and it finally came after a long wait and now it's fucked up so I'd better try to work on this one cause getting a new one could take a hella long time. Is that how it is? Or am I in the land of plenty perspective programs? Is it easier than I ever imagined to change my program? Well, let's look at past experience.
It hasn't been so easy but at the same time that may be because I never believed it could be so easy.
It Is: there is nothing "wrong" with the lack of organizational routine and practice in my life, it is me and purely me who becomes extremely ill at ease in a life without a consistent spiritual practice. The point is that there is no objective truth to the universe that says in order to lead a spiritual and meaningful life one must get up every morning and do hours of practice and eat a completely pure diet, etc. etc. This is the conditioning of my own mind! It all goes back to the way my mind interpreted the way to understand and practice the teachings.
It is still helpful to know, and in fact I think there may be some larger organizational principle to human life, clearly evidenced by the way humans consistently organize themselves into units, groups, etc. Though honestly, I think it may not be the same experience for all of us. We all come here with our own program and interpret reality through those filters.
So a little triumph in figuring out another lens through which I am predisposed to see the world, and hence judge my own experience in it.
This is one of the reasons why lately I have become less inspired, less happy. I attribute it obviously to the fact that my practice has diminished due to working 40 hours per week which miraculously drains my inspiration to do anything else (despite that my "work" is hanging out in an office playing on the computer and reading all day). But further up, a meta realization, if you will, is the lens I use to judge that if my practice is decreased and along with it, obviously, my desire to practice, this removes what I consider the "good" organizational structure from my life (this is constantly recurring, by the way) which increases my sensation that something is "wrong" with me and the way I am living my life. I have simply replaced the organizational structure of practice and discipline with a job and hanging out with family and sleeping in the off time, which leaves my soul lacking.
Alas, what is wrong is not what I am actually doing (albeit there is something to that of course), but how I perceive what I am doing.
I am constantly playing out this game in my head, going from being "good" to "bad" in terms of my diet, practice, relationships, etc. And the "bad" aspects are simply representations of me getting stuck on some aspect of behavior which I get drawn into , a heavy energy, which takes me away from seeing what is going on in this moment, which may be out of my organizational reality of "goodness" but which may, and most definitely does, open doors in a thousand other directions could I only perceive them. It is the rut of guilt and focusing on what is wrong which keeps me from realizing that everything is right and, more importantly, LIGHT.
It is like a faulty program that has a glitch. If I go off the radar screen it is like a broken record. What do you do when your cd starts skipping? Or, in this case a better analogy is when it gets stuck on one note and won't move on. The obvious solution is to skip to the next track. If it continues to ruin the entire album, you may buy a new album. Read: get a new program.
I might say, it's not so easy to get a new program, it's not as easy as going out to the store to buy a new cd. It's more like I ordered this one cd from the netherworld and it finally came after a long wait and now it's fucked up so I'd better try to work on this one cause getting a new one could take a hella long time. Is that how it is? Or am I in the land of plenty perspective programs? Is it easier than I ever imagined to change my program? Well, let's look at past experience.
It hasn't been so easy but at the same time that may be because I never believed it could be so easy.
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