Being Myself

This is a private blog. As far as I know no one has ever read it except me.

he says, i will teach when i am sure that the path is worth it.

HE says, I am just barely on the path. I have come forward and then regressed since meeting him. Now I am only just slightly ahead of where I was before. What do I think he is referring to? My state of consciousness. This too, is always changing. How enlightened I am, how focused on God, other, non-selfishness. Even this is not something to be attached to. But know what is the right manifestation.

He says it is not about good and bad, but what is RIGHT. After being near to him he brushes off my energy. It is gooey and svadhisthanistic. Why did I think for a second that spell check would correct that for me?

I talk with Omri who discusses balance. How hard it is to be with an untantric woman, how imbalanced most people are. The low level of spirituality in Israel. I say I am seeing a man who is moving to Israel. He says, oh, so you are coming to Israel. Ha. He has no idea the nature of the relationship. E. says he will do his best to keep things casual between us, but will not put restrictions on sexuality. i.e., if he feels like fucking me, he will try. He says he is not very attracted to me. This is not a test for him. If it is for me, that is telling for me, not him. It is not an audition, he says.

Omri talks about balance. I can hear his heart on the page and it fills me with affection.

I need to make space for the experiences I desire in this life. Do I even desire experiences? I said to him, i want to be pure enough for you. you don't even know me, i believe is his response. never before has my divisive selfish nature been so painfully highlighted as it is with him. It is like I could feel the pain of truth just being in his presence so much more acutely last night. When he said we could go on a trip together somewhere, the beach or the mountains, which would he like, he asks, it was so painfully just what I wanted to hear and also painful in that it doesn't add affection or change his feelings for me that he may want me.

He says he does not think that we want different things, we want the same things.

how will i receive a man who can open me sexually to god if i continue pleasing myself?
how will i balance another and bring love and blessings to your life if i am not balanced myself?
My actions of the past reveal the extent of my ignorance and selfishness, given power too soon and just abused it.

It's about service, he says, work. work is good, cause it makes us feel worthwhile. we must work. we must serve. i must go back and do the work i promised to the school.

Also thinking about Swami's healing center. Wonder if I could help set that up, where would be a good location. They are open, America or Europe, also desiring an ashram. How to mobilize forces, myself, to envision a life?

but you know, my sweet gorgeous love, that i felt in the way of anguished ecstasy last night. Anguish at the truth which destroys my illusions. ecstasy in the presence of you, the preciousness of you, which makes the preciousness of life more clear.

you said to me, i love you too. and i had not said to you that i love you, but i was thrilled to know that you know i do, and that you love me too.