the sabbath

If you are not in your position at all times, you do not exist. --E.

Any moment in which I am unaware of God, I do not exist, because I do not exist at all separate from the Divine Consciousness.

You are evil, because you have used what you think you know about me AGAINST me.

Who is the one with the divisive nature? I want to surrender all kind of antagonism towards you. I tell you when you say I worship a different god than you that it is not true. We worship the same god, I insist. There is only one god, there is only one absolute truth.

Everything he says to me is true, at some level. He says to me that it is only when I realize and accept his realization that we can even begin. We pause, we are in the woods. Want to keep walking, he asks? No, I have something to say. It is within me and I muse at the fate of my life, the circumstances in which I am forced to speak.

I know that I want you, I say. I need you, at some level. He smiles, thank you, he says. In my mind I think how Swami knows that we want him, and so he takes us, whether we are consciously aware that we want and need him or not. In that way, when we do realize it, he is already ours.

This man, on the other hand, I feel like he pushes me away, highlights all my pride and aspects which keep me separated from god, so that it is like a knife, destroying the illusions of separation in a much sharper way. Because I see somehow that it is actually I who pushes him away--he is completely available to me am I to be my true self. Masculine or feminine approach?

We sit on the log on earth on a quiet summer day. I am silent and appreciate deeply in my heart this moment of presence.

Later on, after we have walked and returned and he has met my parents, he turns to me and says, you know, you looked the most beautiful i have ever seen you today, sitting on the floor in your parent's house. I smile, I am such a dead giveaway. Am I? Because I was so happy there, with these people who I love in conversation. Seeing this man be with me with my parents. And smile, and engage, and be a vulnerable, kind hearted, seriously thoughtful person. Then again, every time I see him, he says I look the most beautiful that he has ever seen me.

The storm is coming, the day has been rather lackadaisical, she doesn't really know what to do nor does she remember if she ever wanted anything anyway. She wants to fall deeply in love to the point of obliteration of herself.