slow lifting of the veils I pray

Why do I want to feel miserable? miser-able? able to be a miser? able to take for myself without giving to others. god what pain and suffering exists which I test am I still allowed to experience it? Sure, you say, I say, sure I am. Is this what elijah means when he says I am borderline between the spiritual life and the mundane world of affairs? That my consciousness may come on board, but it may not?

In this moment that inspires anger and hatred, which are obvious signs that my consciousness is lowered. Else I hear that and am either not bothered at all or I am inspired to rise to the higher levels of consciousness. But you know, this too shall pass. To hang on to the negativity is as stupid, or really stupider, than hanging onto happiness and the like.

My mind is telling me that I feel terrible, and then it convinces me to do things to my body which I don't think will benefit. It is trapped in some lower level muladharistic and just general lower mind shit attached to the physical world and myself as some kind of a separate individual. It is full of the rebellious mode, as in I had self control and restraint and now it's like I cannot, I have to pay for it. my mind did its same old trick trying to convince me that I will do some big cleanse or whatever to lose weight and purify but of course that just leads into more dangerous territory. it is call imbalance. it is a bit dangerous, for myself and those around me. and then i judge myself and that just doesn't help much either. how many times have i been through this cycle? when am i ready to give it up for something deeper?

for example the deep orgasm?

I just don't CARE about anything! but even that is a lie. I am just lying to myself and I can't stand it. I don't want to reach out or ask for help cause who is there who can support me? and yet i need support, clearly, which I don't want to face. I want to be ok, alone, independent, don't I? I want you, I want you, I want you. And what does that mean? How do I desire a man who doesn't even recognize me? Or who actually does recognize me as someone I do not wish to be? He doesn't recognize me as girlfriend or lover. He sees me as an acquaintance. I do not see him as an acquaintance and to act as such is false and causes suffering. but what am i to do?

How many times have I witnessed this cycle? It got so out of control in Thailand, or so I fell into believing, that I thought I had to come home to get a grip. Which of course I have and have not really got a grip. At some levels I have seen through myself very much, but it hasn't penetrated deeply enough as it is not spontaneously affecting all my actions. It's like I am not even here because I don't know why I am here. I want to be with him but I haven't a clue how to be with him or be a woman he would be attracted to, anymore than I already am. People prove themselves in action, it seems, here in this world, and I don't know what to do. Or perhaps I do. He says the path is hard, takes a lot of deep thinking, grace, and spiritual insight. He sees himself as having attained the final realization and so he is finished, at some level, and wishes to die. He also wishes for the acclaim a Libra-Leo moon is entitled to in this incarnation, and doesn't feel he has any effort to put forth in this direction. If he would want me, I would join with him to serve him, but it would be challenging as that being said doesn't mean I would hand over my powers of reasoning and personal beliefs. What are my personal beliefs and how do I live by them?

Sometimes I feel to think after my own spiritual development actually leads to much less. In that I become self absorbed in my own reflections and ideas of how to improve, when actually I need just be in this moment, love the other, be free. Give up expectation, and just do what I love.

That is you. How can I have expectations? Why am I so scared of Power? I am scared of his power which is simply a projection of my own power. what's to worry about, I will never be able to compete...oh there it is AGAIN!!! It is as if I am competing, I am in competition with myself, and then with others. It's like I want him to give me something that I want and as if I have to compete to get it. It's as if I have to compete against my lower nature to get the higher consciousness. Is it not a competition? It is simply an opening, a greater opening.

Appreciate for what is, love what is. desire none else. I love you. be free.