Yesterday, Grace's mom wrote if I could care for the wonder child while she went to yoga. Had not she requested me, i would also have attended a class. I love Grace as deeply as ever I have loved, and give thanks for the opportunity to encourage another to attend yoga.
side note: on the walk downstairs through the sunlit atrium to check the mail i thought i ought just to give up on everything, even on yoga, even on the path. what else calls me with greater transcendental perfect beauty than yoga? naught. yet do i resist its full embrace and cause such suffering through it i want just to let it all go...
continued: I go to grace's and she comes and sits on the porch swing. her hair is down, undone, she wears a white t-shirt and long pink skirt which often shows her big white cotton underwear. I plop down next to her on the porch swing and she groans. I laugh. Porch swings are one of my favorite things in life, I say. She tells me that Panda is doing very well here, and also that she would like to be in my wedding. She says if she is under 10 years of age, she will be the flower girl. If over ten, a bridesmaid. I go along with her laughing, fantasizing what a fabulous affair it would be. She says her grandfather is a retired priest, would I accept a priest who is 72 years old? and he wears a hearing aid, is that ok with me? without a question, of course. She says the ceremony shouldn't be long, and I say well, there will be a consecration, and all the rest, ok, how about 40 minutes? she says. 30 minutes will do. I imagine the beautiful women in my life who i would invite, and wonder how they would come together, and know it may never be. and that it is best in that way. our dream was enough for me.
We play inside taking care of bunny. she tells me she teaches panda so many things, such as reading, how to take a poo and a pee in the bathroom, she says he lives on opposite schedule (sleeps through the day) and she makes him sauteed bamboo. She cracks me up in surprise many many times.
She is not hungry but wants to eat before bed or else she will wake up hungry. finally we go the kitchen and she eats a few cherries and carrot sticks before declaring she is full.
we go to her bedroom and she is excited for the back massage i will give her. laying down, i will sing to her. but not twinkle twinkle little star, she says. so i sing an aladdin song and she laughs at me (a whole new world) and after more giggles and rolling around she gets on her tummy. she asks me if i meditate every morning and I say no but i bring my awareness into my heart. she says it's nice to do something quiet every day first thing in the morning.
I sing her hush little baby making up the words and it becomes a constant meditation and refrain sung without thought from my heart, anytime you need me, i will always be here/anytime you want love/i will always be here. over and over with the back of my fingers caressing her soft back skin and actually i think she fell asleep. (before she said she ALMOST fell asleep last time with the back rub.)
I went out and was chewing on gummy bear vitamins when her mama got home with friend from class. mama said once she told grace i was coming she asked all for me. i said she missed her dad and then her mama while they were gone. she was glad to hear it. she said she was so spoiled with how much me (and parris) loved grace, and with the Friends school approach as well. I said filling a child's heart with love is hardly spoiling them.
at home i sat down with mom and dad and commenced another philosophical discussion initiated by dad this time, actually, which continued through astral travel and mom's seeming cynicism towards Monroe into self-hatred complexes and all the rest.
I had decided that I don't want any more 'issues' as with a talk with Joe at work I said Oh I love issues. and then reflected, what? I love issues? No wonder I have so many!
i read for awhile on erica jong before going to sleep around midnight, it was so lovely as always reading late at night in my bed there, so comfortable. but the morning I am loathe to rise as each morning meets me and i sleep until 8:26, realizing if I do not catch the 8:40 bus...so I am up and grouchy immediately and boil tea and dad says me and mom walked out of the rooms at the same time and mom has to know what I am making with my water and i am irritated that she cannot wait five minutes until i leave the house to attend to her own coffee drinking needs.
tea, i say through the bathroom door. dad says two can boil water and when i return she has added another pot of water to the same burner. hil-fucking-arious.
i want bread, rethink, no time, toast and butter it and put it in a plastic bag. a cop is passing our house and i run down the hill. the bus arrives immediately and i am on my way.
Joe makes a joke about it being my friday and he should "make" me come in on friday. I want to punch his idiotic pretentious bullshit face in and say, it is too early for me to talk. thank god for restraint sometimes.
but it comes before long i am walking to the global cup cafe and spending 8 freaking dollars on vegan spring rolls, vegan cookies, and coffee. i want to feel sick, obviously, and i soon do.
the day is passing by and I am in the email and reading all through the blog of a pretty 25 year old in tucson who is extremely happily married with a daughter and the question of PhD now or later on her mind. she is a socialite extrovert writing her days on the computer and bring love and light into the world no doubt. her friends comment with crazy heady god talk about following His path and it may be different than you imagined and all the rest. I realize I really do have a strong-ish still prejudice against christian-judeo god bible talk. though Sufi god talk which I read yesterday made me swoon in love. how far am i from the embrace of god? this fucking far.
I can't stand this job, I want to run so far from my life it's hilarious considering that I have the easiest life. and who wants ease? i want a challenge and yet when challenged I don't know how to stand up. go ahead and cry, elijah, go on and sing, elijah. i swear to god if you will find happiness all in life is served to its utmost. anytime i remember this truth all the rest of this bullshit falls away.
Do i think thinking it through will eventually help? Mom tells me her deep spiritual insight when she was on acid along in shoulder stand many years ago about the self-hatred coming from her mother.
In the article, the woman reasserts that God wants everything, especially the things we think are un-spiritual. god i want you! what do i say when you apparently turn your back on me? know that to be an illusion? believe it to be the best thing you can do for me? for yourself? i guess we tried hard enough, i guess your knowledge is the true knowledge? join myself to a fanatic? oh god, in the Sufi article it speaks that the path to god is to give up all thoughts of success, and I thought that 's what it is to imagine life with you and yet that's all I would want. How can I say that? How could I desire it? maybe you won't allow it, so far that seems the case. god will not allow me to suffer too much on His behalf. How I wish that he would! For does he not test those that he loves? Ha. Ha. Ha. How do I know the truth?
If I think about you I want you in the same way I in a frenzy in meditation feel the painful longing in my heart for God. In the article she urges we do not cut ourselves off from this longing. if allow it to overcome then what will come to pass? I become so disillusioned by the mundanity of this life i want simply to wander and roam, stay outdoors, and leave the land of my father in order to seek my own realization of truth. but there is duty, bound, the woman is in her way so much more stuck.
i want to be stuck with you and you won't allow it. not so far. or i won't allow myself. not the right match.
oh but every time i return to embracing life i desire you so deeply. how many have been loved and lost?
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
sufi crazy god talk
The only betrayal is when we close our heart to the pain of separation, when we protect ourself from the violation of His touch.
http://www.goldensufi.org/paradox_toc.html
http://www.goldensufi.org/paradox_toc.html
what is easy?
when i can reflect and see what openings I did miss. Let go.
what opportunities for bliss and happiness did exist? which i was not patient enough to cultivate? which i overlooked in my ignorance.
It was but a few weeks before I decided to save my orgasms for a man to give me, for god to give me. and in fact, i received but one before feeling it myself and from thence did hell break lose, in a dreary cold kind of way.
how does this universe work? I cannot have you because i have not abided by the rules! that is what i feel in this moment, that is what i know to be true. for had i followed the laws of nature, would you not desire me so deeply that to resist me would cause such unbearable suffering as not to be at all a possibility?
oh that there are some laws outside myself, such is an illusion unless i am there. dualism. non dualism. all are encompassed in the absolute, and in the dual. by the dual world there are so many laws outside oneself which must be obeyed lest the suffering of ignorance crush you. Then let it crush you, as it only crushes those parts of yourself which are full of false illusions anyway.
to abide in the non dual state of unity of god is to be free, to be free from the rules of the world--because you are the rule of the world. how can you make a "mistake" from the point of view of unity? how can you transgress against the will of god if that will is none other than the only thing that actually exists?
god you are my favorite classroom i have ever entered. while you berate me and hurt me and challenge me there is no stopping my hearts desire for you, oh my god, it just burns as brightly as ever, no matter how you push me away. am i mistaken to think of you as the god you claim to be? will i ever win your favor? or has my thinking just diverged from that non dual thread which holds we are never separate so what is there between us again?
in my heart i know we are one. in this world of action, also we are one. though it appears that we stay separate. respect for the nature of things is ideal for happiness to be experienced.
how then can my thoughts and experiences be analyzed? is the lesson I am learning through you applying only to you or to all things? because it is written in our astrological fates that with a character such as you it will never do to be resentful and focus on the separation. to relate with one such as you, must be done through the consciousness of oneness with you. sounds like the way to relate to god and by god it is because you are god, as i am, as we all are.
your distinctions betray your realization. i think it is not for a woman to reason with a man. by which i mean, nature cares not for the wars and political and spiritual arguments of mankind. sure, she is affected by how much love and bliss she is permitted to bring to the world, but she insists at every turn, in every crack in the sidewalk, on offering her deepest gift of love and beauty no matter how hard you try to make it ugly.
my feelings for you have nothing to do with your position in the world as a teacher or deeper more significant place in which you see yourself. my feelings for you arise from a desire to be love, to grow and shine for you that you may be free of that which oppresses you and realize the beauty that is me. yes, from He was She created, but only through Her will He be realized, the soft overcomes the hard, it is a neverending spontaneous co-existing cycle out of time and distinction, this game, this play. this fabulous sexual dance.
so now we are not together and that is a sign that i am not together with myself. my Desire to be together with myself only creates more Desire to be together with myself. I am already inextricably together with myself to the point that no matter this illusion it can never be reality except so long as I allow it. god what grace. so full of grace.
what opportunities for bliss and happiness did exist? which i was not patient enough to cultivate? which i overlooked in my ignorance.
It was but a few weeks before I decided to save my orgasms for a man to give me, for god to give me. and in fact, i received but one before feeling it myself and from thence did hell break lose, in a dreary cold kind of way.
how does this universe work? I cannot have you because i have not abided by the rules! that is what i feel in this moment, that is what i know to be true. for had i followed the laws of nature, would you not desire me so deeply that to resist me would cause such unbearable suffering as not to be at all a possibility?
oh that there are some laws outside myself, such is an illusion unless i am there. dualism. non dualism. all are encompassed in the absolute, and in the dual. by the dual world there are so many laws outside oneself which must be obeyed lest the suffering of ignorance crush you. Then let it crush you, as it only crushes those parts of yourself which are full of false illusions anyway.
to abide in the non dual state of unity of god is to be free, to be free from the rules of the world--because you are the rule of the world. how can you make a "mistake" from the point of view of unity? how can you transgress against the will of god if that will is none other than the only thing that actually exists?
god you are my favorite classroom i have ever entered. while you berate me and hurt me and challenge me there is no stopping my hearts desire for you, oh my god, it just burns as brightly as ever, no matter how you push me away. am i mistaken to think of you as the god you claim to be? will i ever win your favor? or has my thinking just diverged from that non dual thread which holds we are never separate so what is there between us again?
in my heart i know we are one. in this world of action, also we are one. though it appears that we stay separate. respect for the nature of things is ideal for happiness to be experienced.
how then can my thoughts and experiences be analyzed? is the lesson I am learning through you applying only to you or to all things? because it is written in our astrological fates that with a character such as you it will never do to be resentful and focus on the separation. to relate with one such as you, must be done through the consciousness of oneness with you. sounds like the way to relate to god and by god it is because you are god, as i am, as we all are.
your distinctions betray your realization. i think it is not for a woman to reason with a man. by which i mean, nature cares not for the wars and political and spiritual arguments of mankind. sure, she is affected by how much love and bliss she is permitted to bring to the world, but she insists at every turn, in every crack in the sidewalk, on offering her deepest gift of love and beauty no matter how hard you try to make it ugly.
my feelings for you have nothing to do with your position in the world as a teacher or deeper more significant place in which you see yourself. my feelings for you arise from a desire to be love, to grow and shine for you that you may be free of that which oppresses you and realize the beauty that is me. yes, from He was She created, but only through Her will He be realized, the soft overcomes the hard, it is a neverending spontaneous co-existing cycle out of time and distinction, this game, this play. this fabulous sexual dance.
so now we are not together and that is a sign that i am not together with myself. my Desire to be together with myself only creates more Desire to be together with myself. I am already inextricably together with myself to the point that no matter this illusion it can never be reality except so long as I allow it. god what grace. so full of grace.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
respect
when it becomes clear that you are not listening, i will stop talking. to continue shouting would only evidence my own ignorance.
these are thoughts i feel coming from you, and also myself. That now you determine our distance from one another, showing that you do not feel that I have heard you. And I feel i have put my ignorance and love on display for you to see for yourself, and your judgment has been separation. I wrote to you that to love through rejection is perhaps the hardest task of the world, of the woman. I do not know that I ever recovered from your first, fifth, etc., rejection. So that I did still reject you constantly, and finally you throw your hands up, and in the most tender message to me which you have written, you declare space. you greet me with "blessed love" and end with my most favorite, tender signature, yours. and i know that you are mine, that together in our hearts we are one and the same. Pity organizing ourselves here in the physical world has turned out to be such a difficult challenge.
So on Friday when I read this response to my call for depth between us, I cried and cried, for a little while, even though in my heart nothing at all has changed. Can I love you through this rejection? No doubt. Will I ever see you again? Who knows. I feel like my interpretation of reality with you has been so skewed what else can you do but cut through with the sword of refusal? I know you had to do it, I practically begged you for it. Well, I begged for that and total possession.
Last night I woke up at 2 in the morning after being in a dream with Luc, practicing presence to such a degree that I woke myself up I felt so awake. Then I drank and felt something on my lip, a bug in my glass? and threw the cup gently to the floor.
In the morning I lay dreaming about Grace, being Grace like, we were going out to the mall in the morning and she had many demands. i wanted to go have a coffee. there were many people all around, and I just lingered around there in the mundane dream world with zero inclination to raise myself from the bed and come to a job where I would just be sitting and sitting and sitting.
I read over old emails, I allow the status of relationship to settle in.
Last night I went to a yoga class in Carrboro with Nice, whose main influences are Angela Farmer and Victor Van Hooten. We basically rolled around on the floor, slowly slowly, massaging our backs against a brink and stretching open for an hour and a half. It got too cold but it was an amazingly gentle and opening class, so perfect in its way for me. In the final of savasana I felt my body open in desire for deep orgasm and imagined my consciousness at the level of my cervix as my body writhed and twisted and burst in all directions on his lingam. I even fantasized for a second to go to his place, and say nothing, because words have gotten me precious nowhere with men, in terms of satisfying my body's desire for orgasms. So I would take you in my mouth and with the power of my desire be taken by you.
Of course the class ended and I questioned it all, would he take me? Do I trust him to allow myself to open with him anyway? No. I see the world close in on me. I go buy a salad, get lost (not really but in my head) driving around to find a place to eat in peace but end up going home. eating up, ice cream, then with mom and dad talking about spirituality and all the rest.
"So much is said in the silence, why would you want to miss it?" - Manorama
That is how in some ways I can enjoy so much the silence between He and I. oh, illusion. oh how much deeper must i be to relate to him. deeply in action. deeply in integrity. the lie that is myself, is not a lie at all!
Simply be, accept what is in front of you with love and gratitude. would that you would be in front of me again...but that is not the nature of things. so that i in patience attend to when we may be drawn to one another, in whatever forms, we be.
these are thoughts i feel coming from you, and also myself. That now you determine our distance from one another, showing that you do not feel that I have heard you. And I feel i have put my ignorance and love on display for you to see for yourself, and your judgment has been separation. I wrote to you that to love through rejection is perhaps the hardest task of the world, of the woman. I do not know that I ever recovered from your first, fifth, etc., rejection. So that I did still reject you constantly, and finally you throw your hands up, and in the most tender message to me which you have written, you declare space. you greet me with "blessed love" and end with my most favorite, tender signature, yours. and i know that you are mine, that together in our hearts we are one and the same. Pity organizing ourselves here in the physical world has turned out to be such a difficult challenge.
So on Friday when I read this response to my call for depth between us, I cried and cried, for a little while, even though in my heart nothing at all has changed. Can I love you through this rejection? No doubt. Will I ever see you again? Who knows. I feel like my interpretation of reality with you has been so skewed what else can you do but cut through with the sword of refusal? I know you had to do it, I practically begged you for it. Well, I begged for that and total possession.
Last night I woke up at 2 in the morning after being in a dream with Luc, practicing presence to such a degree that I woke myself up I felt so awake. Then I drank and felt something on my lip, a bug in my glass? and threw the cup gently to the floor.
In the morning I lay dreaming about Grace, being Grace like, we were going out to the mall in the morning and she had many demands. i wanted to go have a coffee. there were many people all around, and I just lingered around there in the mundane dream world with zero inclination to raise myself from the bed and come to a job where I would just be sitting and sitting and sitting.
I read over old emails, I allow the status of relationship to settle in.
Last night I went to a yoga class in Carrboro with Nice, whose main influences are Angela Farmer and Victor Van Hooten. We basically rolled around on the floor, slowly slowly, massaging our backs against a brink and stretching open for an hour and a half. It got too cold but it was an amazingly gentle and opening class, so perfect in its way for me. In the final of savasana I felt my body open in desire for deep orgasm and imagined my consciousness at the level of my cervix as my body writhed and twisted and burst in all directions on his lingam. I even fantasized for a second to go to his place, and say nothing, because words have gotten me precious nowhere with men, in terms of satisfying my body's desire for orgasms. So I would take you in my mouth and with the power of my desire be taken by you.
Of course the class ended and I questioned it all, would he take me? Do I trust him to allow myself to open with him anyway? No. I see the world close in on me. I go buy a salad, get lost (not really but in my head) driving around to find a place to eat in peace but end up going home. eating up, ice cream, then with mom and dad talking about spirituality and all the rest.
"So much is said in the silence, why would you want to miss it?" - Manorama
That is how in some ways I can enjoy so much the silence between He and I. oh, illusion. oh how much deeper must i be to relate to him. deeply in action. deeply in integrity. the lie that is myself, is not a lie at all!
Simply be, accept what is in front of you with love and gratitude. would that you would be in front of me again...but that is not the nature of things. so that i in patience attend to when we may be drawn to one another, in whatever forms, we be.
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