respect

when it becomes clear that you are not listening, i will stop talking. to continue shouting would only evidence my own ignorance.

these are thoughts i feel coming from you, and also myself. That now you determine our distance from one another, showing that you do not feel that I have heard you. And I feel i have put my ignorance and love on display for you to see for yourself, and your judgment has been separation. I wrote to you that to love through rejection is perhaps the hardest task of the world, of the woman. I do not know that I ever recovered from your first, fifth, etc., rejection. So that I did still reject you constantly, and finally you throw your hands up, and in the most tender message to me which you have written, you declare space. you greet me with "blessed love" and end with my most favorite, tender signature, yours. and i know that you are mine, that together in our hearts we are one and the same. Pity organizing ourselves here in the physical world has turned out to be such a difficult challenge.

So on Friday when I read this response to my call for depth between us, I cried and cried, for a little while, even though in my heart nothing at all has changed. Can I love you through this rejection? No doubt. Will I ever see you again? Who knows. I feel like my interpretation of reality with you has been so skewed what else can you do but cut through with the sword of refusal? I know you had to do it, I practically begged you for it. Well, I begged for that and total possession.

Last night I woke up at 2 in the morning after being in a dream with Luc, practicing presence to such a degree that I woke myself up I felt so awake. Then I drank and felt something on my lip, a bug in my glass? and threw the cup gently to the floor.

In the morning I lay dreaming about Grace, being Grace like, we were going out to the mall in the morning and she had many demands. i wanted to go have a coffee. there were many people all around, and I just lingered around there in the mundane dream world with zero inclination to raise myself from the bed and come to a job where I would just be sitting and sitting and sitting.

I read over old emails, I allow the status of relationship to settle in.

Last night I went to a yoga class in Carrboro with Nice, whose main influences are Angela Farmer and Victor Van Hooten. We basically rolled around on the floor, slowly slowly, massaging our backs against a brink and stretching open for an hour and a half. It got too cold but it was an amazingly gentle and opening class, so perfect in its way for me. In the final of savasana I felt my body open in desire for deep orgasm and imagined my consciousness at the level of my cervix as my body writhed and twisted and burst in all directions on his lingam. I even fantasized for a second to go to his place, and say nothing, because words have gotten me precious nowhere with men, in terms of satisfying my body's desire for orgasms. So I would take you in my mouth and with the power of my desire be taken by you.

Of course the class ended and I questioned it all, would he take me? Do I trust him to allow myself to open with him anyway? No. I see the world close in on me. I go buy a salad, get lost (not really but in my head) driving around to find a place to eat in peace but end up going home. eating up, ice cream, then with mom and dad talking about spirituality and all the rest.

"So much is said in the silence, why would you want to miss it?" - Manorama

That is how in some ways I can enjoy so much the silence between He and I. oh, illusion. oh how much deeper must i be to relate to him. deeply in action. deeply in integrity. the lie that is myself, is not a lie at all!

Simply be, accept what is in front of you with love and gratitude. would that you would be in front of me again...but that is not the nature of things. so that i in patience attend to when we may be drawn to one another, in whatever forms, we be.