an open letter to my lover

who is not my lover. a letter of the deepest regret.

Yes, I feel this way. Yes, I have felt this way before. And I feel it AGAIN. and it is what it is.

It is this time, with this YOU. I am walking in the forest and I see my life before me empty of YOU. Tears come because I cannot...the pain of the emptiness, of this void, is the worst emotional pain I have experienced.

Realism...the practical reality is that nothing worked. there was harmony, but followed so closely by disharmony and dissatisfaction I am embarrassed...I have so much regret for these negative states of mind which I allowed to be expressed to you. Thinking you would see through me, love me through me no matter how I appeared. Because that's how I feel about you. I loved you before we met. To me it was an obvious and easy coming together in which we would deal with whatever challenges for the mutual benefit of our own growth and Love.

was I so wrong? That the rules are not what I thought they were. It matters. It matters. It matters what I said, how I looked, how I treated you, as those things all mattered very much to me. Oh god. I would try forever.

If it is the best...if this is the best you can be for me because it is the best for you...then I can only hope to meet you in the land of self realization. I don't know. Painfully I do not know. If only I knew how to be that you might love me...

Almost all of my closest advisors say this is holding on, they warned me from continuing with you from the beginning. They scared me from opening myself to me as they called you names and warned me that if we did get involved I would probably freak out and it would then be so hard to get away. How could I fear such a thing with a man as like the air as you?

I don't know about my advisers. How I prayed pray pray to know myself. That someone would know me. How can anyone know me before I know myself? and how can I know who I am as I judge and evaluate every little thing?

God please it hurts. It hurts and there are beautiful trees and the forest and the birds singing all around. And the river rushing, and the people there smiling with their family and it just keeps on hurting. The pain is like a cross, and the problem is that I believed the others that I would be better off free of the cross altogether. But I don't know...how can this be? God may I offer all of my ignorance, as vast as it is, to you? Would you accept it, from such a low life as I am?

Yes, freedom from the cross must be the goal. The spiritual goal mirrors the life goal...more space, more freedom of choice...God oh God how could that fall apart? How could it just...fall apart...

A friend said she spent five years trying to get someone who didn't want her to want her. How painful...she said all her relationships, no matter what she did, would just fall apart in her hands. So it may pass. I consoled myself remembering that all this too will pass. I can let go the pain of the attachment to a man. Music consoles me. the thought of his happiness consoles me.

and it is all a crazy reflection. Happiness is important. It does matter. I love you.