Embracing ALL

Embrace all, give all.

What amuses me is that after telling my boss at work that my weekend was, in short, terrible--psychologically--he commences to describe an extremely similar sounding weekend--one in which he slept a lot, watched TV, and got nothing done. Only he described it as pretty good overall. Whereas I felt beset by a dark outlook, and the regular slew of depressed negatively self absorbed patterned thinking and behavior. Oh, it was pretty funny, to watch me turn into a wind up doll of a human being and enact a personality and behavior which I simply despise but feel totally trapped by.

On the bus I take to mantra recitation and recall the sentiments of St. Theresa of Avila which console me deeply. She would pray always to have God with her, on her side, for she recalls too clearly the Hell awaiting her should she miss the mark and fall from grace.

After two days without the consolation and light of inner wakefulness that Hell is engraved clearly in my mind, and I see that it is not God who turned away from me but I who turned away from Him. And it is so miserable to be worth humbling myself to the prayer of His company! (2 days!? Am I super wimp? Or the absence of His wisdom becomes more and more difficult to bear...)

Speaking to my father about God breaks me. Is it because I am attached to some Judeo -Christian sense of God the Father, a vehicle of mass control, as my father posits?

Or is it because I long so deeply for Him that I cannot bear to dispute His existence, or listen to my father condemn Him to be the result of so many humans' painful conception?

It becomes more clear. The science of yoga is my only friend, besides the Self. Of course I become confused when I eat foods which "breed evil in me" (my own phrase :), live without a constant steady practice, do not have regular sex and/or constant sublimation of sexual energy. So what? Is it still so interesting to wallow in the lower wails of the mind that is lost and confused?

It is a definite Hell, a miserable place from which I only crave to awake. Initially, it makes me crave to go to sleep--it lures me in. It is the veil of ignorance--the most painful aspect of which is the ignorance of ignorance, which can be seamless in that in one moment somehow it seems acceptable to act, speak, and think in ways which judge and demean myself and others. It is anger and depression, the enemies of Self-Realization.

It need not be about personal responsibility or creating a professional image or anything else, when the fact is simply that I long for Him. I long for freedom of consciousness, which I remember in experience.

When Claudiu started the retreat, he claims we suffer because we "forgot" who we actually are. And this seems ludicrous. How could we forget something so glorious and joy filled that we are God?

Yet, we do, I can attest from personal experience. And then I remember, and pray, and see that my existence here on Earth is akin to that of a worm (thanks for the terminology St. Theresa), in it's pitifully painful self absorption. The reality that ignorance of God is the cause of all suffering comes closer. And I could also say, secularly, ignorance of our true nature, but I like God.

Next note: I manage to live in misery only because I believe there is somewhere else to be. My mind becomes separate from my body. I imagine that it is this place, these people, etc. which contribute to my misery and fantasize that there exists another physical location in which I could be happy. Happiness based on exterior circumstances.

Which is not to say that there are not more supportive and conducive environments for different aspirations and purposes, this is clear, but my own pretty psychological disconnect seems predicated on the basis that if I could escape--things would be different. And it's the escapism that feels so threatening, as it shows a lack of present time consciousness.

Usually when I go into this state I turn away from God, spiritual friends, and anyone I know is superior than me, in that it seems they are free from these lower states of consciousness, or at least from believing in them/acting on them. And I find people, like my poor parents, who will take me and entertain me no matter what. And I am humiliated by this. They show themselves to be superior than me and free me from the burden of the grudge I tried to hold against them. Thank you.

This morning I awoke and said thank you, for this turmoil, for this suffering, thank you God for allowing me to turn away from you and indulge in such pitiable behavior. Thank you for letting me leave you.

Usually now I feel guilty and terrible and even more embarrassed. This is certainly a reasonable outcome. From the standpoint that I do deserve a negative judgment and punishment for my ignorant behavior.

Who was it who said that God's judgment is far better than Satan's punishment? The sentiment is clear--better to turn to the light and expose the darkness, as painful as that will be, than from fear of light, turn to the darkness and go deeper into that suffering.

God your light is too precious to treat with such ignorance!

So many times before I thought that God doesn't care what I do or whatever, by which I mean that His reality is entirely unaffected by me. Hallelujah! Praise Shiva the Destroyer! It is the case, oh, it is the perfect man who will love me no matter what! And upon this realization, what have I but endless buckets of gratitude that it is the case! That I cannot destroy your light no matter how miserably dark I become. All these "tests" of God's reality, or rather, tests of my faith, as they say--well, isn't it that once the test is passed, the lesson learned, one can move on?

Walking down the hall I do this for me. I woke up this morning, to my surprise. No one is going to save me. God exists as pure love and the only reason for my existence at all. The world exists as it does, with its cause and effect nature, with all of us doing our best within our limits, seeking freedom to know He who is the essence and source of our world. A freedom we create for ourselves, as exemplified by the Buddha. A freedom gained by pure love and surrender, as Krishna teaches in the "Uddhava Gita". A freedom experienced through realizing the God-essence of our own being, as taught by Jesus Christ.

Oh, it is the science of spirituality which draws me near.

And enough of this meandering mental hell realms which deserve no credibility but the light of insight. But I won't make a plan for the future about how to practice more, eat better, exercise, etc. I have made and broken these plans for far too long.

And it seems this evolution has been experienced so many times before, and the saints live and have lived to teach and remind us of God's endless love for us. So why bother to write? Why bother to walk this path? God is, what else is there? Even if God is not, what else is there? Well, everything.

I woke up this morning, to my surprise. Here I am. And so I must be.

Praise love. Dear God, you see me for who I am that is me, and who I am that is you. You are the truth beyond my limited understanding. I pray you always keep me with you and hold me by the hand of sweet joyful remembrance of You should I be tempted to stray...your truth consoles my soul.

Endless Saturday

I feel like I have come full circle.

Back again in an inner space which lacks spaciousness, probably prompted by monthly changing hormones and so there is nothing to take seriously, but then, there is nothing to EVER take seriously.

Bitch, whine, poor me.

Ok, so I dreamt about Barack Obama last night. He was endeared to my friend. Then it turned out he also had been into Agama (note name similarity) yoga in the past. And i feared for the media to discover that he had Swami for a teacher (akin to his provocative preacher, Rev. Wright!). I awoke in some paranoia in the early hours, fantasizing that Obama was in my dreams due to super subconscious infiltrating devices. I chanted myself back to sleep, as I had many hours earlier.

How I want to blame, blame, blame. Now I think it may be not only the energy of our particular family but very much that of the society at large. The egregor of consciousness of mainstream America, as viewed on TV and on highways and malls and corporate chains, etc. A culture of IGNORANCE. Why do I fall for it again and again? it's just what they want! A person who is too scared to actually CHANGE anything, ok Obama, but also raising of consciousness!

Why don't I meet anyone new or interesting around here? Why am I so scared to change? What on earth am I holding onto? How do I become this person so uncontrolled, negative, mean, pathetic, more than anything else. My god. It is so embarrassing to be alive as myself today, I said to my mother, after giving her the lay down, one up-ing myself with what I think is real wisdom but so unskillfully delivered. God, what about skill?

What about the willingness to WORK? To step out of myself, where I simply simmer to death, in order to do something useful for the other.

So today I feel back into this consciousness of insecurity, that sense that every time the light shines through and I feel elevated, this state of hopelessness is just on its heels. And who shall win? The struggle continues.

Krishna speaks of his most beloved disciples and I think, ha, never shall I manage to make myself into any so exalted as to be named as one of HIS most beloved. And what is my goal in life?

Running through the woods, dreaming of his eyes, his face, his wisdom, his anything, I wish I could be someone that he loves. Who am I talking about? Some idea of God imposed on some idea of a man? God I don't know anything. Except what I know. Why do I default into this familiar habitual "safe" land of NO RESPONSIBILITY?

My life set up in such a way that I somehow feel like I CAN AFFORD to wallow in this state of consciousness for even ONE SECOND? Dear god it is the example as put forth around me so I do not blame but recognize the influence of resonance.

There are the two things right. The influence of the others will make me become like them (you are your friends) and then the alternate principle that being around others who are different may bring out the differences (Lion stands out from the Sheep). Sheeple, people. Why can I not bring myself to BE and admit TO BE one of those glorious humans who give themselves to God, to live beautiful lives full OF PURPOSE, DEDICATION, COMPASSION, DISCIPLINE, LOVE POWER BEAUTY.

How much can I allow myself these unbelievable luxuries as I look around into poverty of spirit. But then, as I was there--that poverty of spirit was with me. Oh GOD HOW MAY I SERVE YOU?

This is the farthest thing from serving myself! GOD just choose and move on! Why How can I not/stop learning this lesson? By getting it! Translation into ACTION.

Mi amor. This is not what I thought it would be. This is not the liberation I thought I experienced last week. This is the bondage I've been unable to enjoy for years upon years. Self Knowledge hurts. Upon what path shall I walk to survive in this world? And not only to survive, but to THRIVE.

I dream of being back at Agama and I am so grateful and thrilled to be back by the ocean. I awake and think I would so much prefer the idiosyncrasies of Agama's administrative machine than the dysfunction of my family any day!

When did I get so lost? What patterns have i frightfully repeated so often and made it thus harder for myself.

Krishna says the path of devotion and surrender is the easiest, the most accessible to receive his love. The path of detachment, disciple, control of senses, etc., is possible, but much more arduous. The arduous path, that seems to be my lot. And yet, what a funny funny joke that is!

How arduous it is to abuse myself by myself with leisure and free time and plenty. Oh, god, it is such a shameful embarrassment to dishonor you in this way.

I beg forgiveness, I pray forgiveness, and pray for the light of your consciousness to stay with me always that I shall not, by your grace, engage in such indiscriminate behavior as a dumb animal may.

Why do I fear surrender? As if God in his perfection would take me to do anything I could not? For if it is true surrender, He is with me.

Well, this is a lot of ramblings and fantabulous promenades from second cakra, lower level, whatever, just a wobbly step on the path...

Relationships through the Cakras

As I sat last night in meditation, my mind humming the same old tunes it's been singing at least for the past year, which are an echo of that song that's been playing in my head since I can remember becoming aware of my body.

Oh, I want to be beautiful, it is my responsibility to god to have the best, most healthy body I can. Ok, I actually believe this, in a way. But there is a difference between knowledge and mental rhetoric which translates into ice cream eating over real action towards achieving said goal.

Body consciousness. Why, I ask myself, AGAIN, has it been so challenging for me to really change my eating patterns and habits and simply take off the weight I feel so burdened by? (We're talking 15 pounds here.)

Ok, these thoughts only come after I've eaten something heavy, and sweet, like the coconut milk (sweetened only with agave nectar) ice cream and chocolate cookie (homemade with sugar) I finished a little while ago. Sugar induced svadhisthana sheepliness.

What is about my attitude that is wrong? (How else do I explain my behavior? Does not right understanding lead to right action?)

Well, usually I think of hunger as an ENEMY. I feel it creeping up on me and my pitta consciousness becomes aggravated easily by it. It is one of the small things in life I have any control over--which quickly becomes a joke and a lie as I satisfy such cravings for food with foods which often lead to more and deeper cravings.

Now, a craving, is not something that is easily controlled. It can be satiated for a time, and for a long time, I thought this was the answer to a craving.

Nevermind the constant teachings from the scriptures and masters regarding the importance of mastery of the senses. What does that mean? These masters must not have lived in the world of refined sugar and such blatant advocacy for a life lived based primarily on gratification of sense to know what we're up against!

However, I do believe they had human bodies, in which sensual desires are apparently a great part of the territory.

Here is the recent leap in my thinking: Become friends with hunger. I've tried many times to become friends with my body. All the time I fight it, I don't want it, I will eat whatever it tells me to to allay it. I call this sugar addiction. People's relationship to food varies from constantly obsessed with it to barely aware that it exists as the foundation of the physical body.

Becoming friends with hunger, or perhaps I should say, my digestive fire, feels like a step up to Manipura cakra. In muladhara, I eat for survival. Imbalanced, this would mean overeating for fear that future food supplies may be interrupted. (Totally irrational based on ALL my life experiences.) In svadhisthana, which is where I've lived inharmoniously lately, food fulfills various cravings for needs ranging far beyond that of food for survival. Food is to indulge the sense of taste, fill the void of sexual lonliness, etc.

In imbalanced Manipura, hunger/food is the enemy. Actually, it seems food has little role in Manipura, since here it is burned by the digestive fire. It is a raw material once again, as it was in Muladhara, only now at the elevated process of actualization of food as the basis of the physical body.

Anahata is the relationship of lovers.
Vishudda, student-teacher
Ajna-perfect balance of male/female
Sahasrara--no relationship, total oneness, no differentiation

Basically it is all about embracing. Embracing everything, as He does.