Embracing ALL

Embrace all, give all.

What amuses me is that after telling my boss at work that my weekend was, in short, terrible--psychologically--he commences to describe an extremely similar sounding weekend--one in which he slept a lot, watched TV, and got nothing done. Only he described it as pretty good overall. Whereas I felt beset by a dark outlook, and the regular slew of depressed negatively self absorbed patterned thinking and behavior. Oh, it was pretty funny, to watch me turn into a wind up doll of a human being and enact a personality and behavior which I simply despise but feel totally trapped by.

On the bus I take to mantra recitation and recall the sentiments of St. Theresa of Avila which console me deeply. She would pray always to have God with her, on her side, for she recalls too clearly the Hell awaiting her should she miss the mark and fall from grace.

After two days without the consolation and light of inner wakefulness that Hell is engraved clearly in my mind, and I see that it is not God who turned away from me but I who turned away from Him. And it is so miserable to be worth humbling myself to the prayer of His company! (2 days!? Am I super wimp? Or the absence of His wisdom becomes more and more difficult to bear...)

Speaking to my father about God breaks me. Is it because I am attached to some Judeo -Christian sense of God the Father, a vehicle of mass control, as my father posits?

Or is it because I long so deeply for Him that I cannot bear to dispute His existence, or listen to my father condemn Him to be the result of so many humans' painful conception?

It becomes more clear. The science of yoga is my only friend, besides the Self. Of course I become confused when I eat foods which "breed evil in me" (my own phrase :), live without a constant steady practice, do not have regular sex and/or constant sublimation of sexual energy. So what? Is it still so interesting to wallow in the lower wails of the mind that is lost and confused?

It is a definite Hell, a miserable place from which I only crave to awake. Initially, it makes me crave to go to sleep--it lures me in. It is the veil of ignorance--the most painful aspect of which is the ignorance of ignorance, which can be seamless in that in one moment somehow it seems acceptable to act, speak, and think in ways which judge and demean myself and others. It is anger and depression, the enemies of Self-Realization.

It need not be about personal responsibility or creating a professional image or anything else, when the fact is simply that I long for Him. I long for freedom of consciousness, which I remember in experience.

When Claudiu started the retreat, he claims we suffer because we "forgot" who we actually are. And this seems ludicrous. How could we forget something so glorious and joy filled that we are God?

Yet, we do, I can attest from personal experience. And then I remember, and pray, and see that my existence here on Earth is akin to that of a worm (thanks for the terminology St. Theresa), in it's pitifully painful self absorption. The reality that ignorance of God is the cause of all suffering comes closer. And I could also say, secularly, ignorance of our true nature, but I like God.

Next note: I manage to live in misery only because I believe there is somewhere else to be. My mind becomes separate from my body. I imagine that it is this place, these people, etc. which contribute to my misery and fantasize that there exists another physical location in which I could be happy. Happiness based on exterior circumstances.

Which is not to say that there are not more supportive and conducive environments for different aspirations and purposes, this is clear, but my own pretty psychological disconnect seems predicated on the basis that if I could escape--things would be different. And it's the escapism that feels so threatening, as it shows a lack of present time consciousness.

Usually when I go into this state I turn away from God, spiritual friends, and anyone I know is superior than me, in that it seems they are free from these lower states of consciousness, or at least from believing in them/acting on them. And I find people, like my poor parents, who will take me and entertain me no matter what. And I am humiliated by this. They show themselves to be superior than me and free me from the burden of the grudge I tried to hold against them. Thank you.

This morning I awoke and said thank you, for this turmoil, for this suffering, thank you God for allowing me to turn away from you and indulge in such pitiable behavior. Thank you for letting me leave you.

Usually now I feel guilty and terrible and even more embarrassed. This is certainly a reasonable outcome. From the standpoint that I do deserve a negative judgment and punishment for my ignorant behavior.

Who was it who said that God's judgment is far better than Satan's punishment? The sentiment is clear--better to turn to the light and expose the darkness, as painful as that will be, than from fear of light, turn to the darkness and go deeper into that suffering.

God your light is too precious to treat with such ignorance!

So many times before I thought that God doesn't care what I do or whatever, by which I mean that His reality is entirely unaffected by me. Hallelujah! Praise Shiva the Destroyer! It is the case, oh, it is the perfect man who will love me no matter what! And upon this realization, what have I but endless buckets of gratitude that it is the case! That I cannot destroy your light no matter how miserably dark I become. All these "tests" of God's reality, or rather, tests of my faith, as they say--well, isn't it that once the test is passed, the lesson learned, one can move on?

Walking down the hall I do this for me. I woke up this morning, to my surprise. No one is going to save me. God exists as pure love and the only reason for my existence at all. The world exists as it does, with its cause and effect nature, with all of us doing our best within our limits, seeking freedom to know He who is the essence and source of our world. A freedom we create for ourselves, as exemplified by the Buddha. A freedom gained by pure love and surrender, as Krishna teaches in the "Uddhava Gita". A freedom experienced through realizing the God-essence of our own being, as taught by Jesus Christ.

Oh, it is the science of spirituality which draws me near.

And enough of this meandering mental hell realms which deserve no credibility but the light of insight. But I won't make a plan for the future about how to practice more, eat better, exercise, etc. I have made and broken these plans for far too long.

And it seems this evolution has been experienced so many times before, and the saints live and have lived to teach and remind us of God's endless love for us. So why bother to write? Why bother to walk this path? God is, what else is there? Even if God is not, what else is there? Well, everything.

I woke up this morning, to my surprise. Here I am. And so I must be.

Praise love. Dear God, you see me for who I am that is me, and who I am that is you. You are the truth beyond my limited understanding. I pray you always keep me with you and hold me by the hand of sweet joyful remembrance of You should I be tempted to stray...your truth consoles my soul.