Yes

Yes, it looks like I will strike out again.

What am I doing? The dance. I am practicing the dance of discovering who I am. I want to attract my lover. I want to wake up because I feel His presence very near.

I have decided to go it alone, again.

And just what am I thinking? If I can do this, I can do anything else. So why this?

Part of me asks, why am I leaving? And part of me feels that this is the best way to go. Not because I am running from something, though I have left for that reason before. Now I feel to leave because the universe uplifts me to do so.

How will I support myself?

Trudy says that He loves me so much, yet he will never force himself on me. He will allow me to travel the path I desire towards him, and he will always be with me, even when I think he is not. He will not allow me to go too far astray. Yet I still must use caution, exercise wisdom in judgment.

For, she says, you do not want to go down a path and become too entrenched only later to find that it is a dark path. Go very, very, SLOW, she says.

What is the end of this yoga? She asks. Union with the divine, I answer. But there was first a slight hesitation. Because part of me feels inadequate to ever attain such a lofty goal, and fears I will fail on the path. But this thinking is false humility, perhaps. And shows a lack of faith that the said goal is, in fact, attainable. Cautioned as we always are by how few attain the true realization.

It is indeed a supreme goal, and one which may take considerable devotion and effort on my part. However, with true faith in His supreme compassion, and in the essential teachings of yoga--that we are, in our essence, the same as That--it is not only possible, it is inevitable.

I ask what the goal of her path is. She says the promise of a better life beyond. The deepest peace in her heart which she knows protects and nourishes her, and will be there to greet her upon her departure from this world.

She encourages me to remember the shortcut, the book of His word. And to listen to my heart. She can feel His presence there, and she urges me to listen to that voice which guides me truly.

As she describes His nature, my eyes fill with tears, for truly, that is how I also experience his love. It reminds me of the way I am loved by my teacher.

As I keep in heart the desire to benefit others, to share the wisdom teachings which have helped heal much of my own pain, clarity eases confusion and fear.

And I see that I have already ventured farther into the path than I was conscious of doing. I did move quickly, eagerly, and then did reap the effects of this aggressive haste in the form of confusion, anxiety, and the necessity to re-trace my steps so that I could make sense of where I came to be.

So here I am. And I did nothing alone. This act must be consecrated. I am blind without Him.

Vandana Shiva

It’s not about how much wealthy nations can give, so much as how much less they can take.

http://www.odemagazine.com/doc/28/two_myths_that_keep_the_world_poor

I should have slapped you

I thought about it, as we embraced, and I stepped back to look up into your face.

I raised my arm, to a vague look of surprise and then nothing, as I let it fall easily against the side of your bearded face and merely said, it's good to see you.

Good to see you?
Good to see you?

I should have slapped you.

But I instead felt myself embraced by you, led by you to the place of our most awkward encounters, the bed, and into a realm of repetition of the disharmonious frequencies between us which would likely have been alleviated had I but slapped you.

I think you would have liked it. A cold, hard slap coming from a woman whose heart is so torn for you she knows and doesn't care what an idiotic jerk you are.

Thank god I learned from months of silence and reflection through the onslaught of inner emotional turmoil that we are clearly in no capacity presently to truly serve one another through an intimate relationship.

It doesn't harm my love for you in the least, that you are such a "d-bag" as my brother lovingly called it.

And it clears up a lot of the confusion.

Before, I could not accept that I could love so deeply, desire so purely in the depth of my heart, a man as unschooled as you are in the art of intimacy and love between a man and a woman.

Now, I know that I do in fact love you, as deeply as ever before, awakened in a moment of remembrance your eyes, your consciousness. You are one of the most painful mirrors I have ever held myself up to. I know this pain is good pain. And it is some of the worst inner emotional pain I have ever experienced.

And I love it. And it doesn't affect my love for you, my desire for you.

It does affect our relationship in present time. It cancels the possibility that we will realize the glory of uniting our polarized ends with one another.

Not forever. And only at some level, that of this physical world, this reality.

As God, we will forever remain one and the same.

This is God's greatest grace in the realm of relationship. The truth that ultimately, there is no relationship. What feels like separation and challenge between us, what causes such distinct sharpness in my heart, is only the ignorance of that ultimate reality.

I wish I could tell you. I wish I could be true to just how real I love you, yet our interaction prevents it at every turn.

So a great lesson is learned. I cannot force you to love me as I love you. Or want me as deeply as I crave you.

Because I am such a lie, and that is how you see me too, it is that much harder for me to wake up from such slumber and be the love I am for you.

Inside I am striving also to be one with you. To be worthy of your love. To be worthy of your recognition of me as love.

I don't see it happening any time soon. This is so deep in fantasy it's not even funny. Something to honor for the preciousness it awakens in my heart, and let go like a bag of bricks.

i love u i hate u i love u. when u are shiva you will watch me dance through this.