I should have slapped you

I thought about it, as we embraced, and I stepped back to look up into your face.

I raised my arm, to a vague look of surprise and then nothing, as I let it fall easily against the side of your bearded face and merely said, it's good to see you.

Good to see you?
Good to see you?

I should have slapped you.

But I instead felt myself embraced by you, led by you to the place of our most awkward encounters, the bed, and into a realm of repetition of the disharmonious frequencies between us which would likely have been alleviated had I but slapped you.

I think you would have liked it. A cold, hard slap coming from a woman whose heart is so torn for you she knows and doesn't care what an idiotic jerk you are.

Thank god I learned from months of silence and reflection through the onslaught of inner emotional turmoil that we are clearly in no capacity presently to truly serve one another through an intimate relationship.

It doesn't harm my love for you in the least, that you are such a "d-bag" as my brother lovingly called it.

And it clears up a lot of the confusion.

Before, I could not accept that I could love so deeply, desire so purely in the depth of my heart, a man as unschooled as you are in the art of intimacy and love between a man and a woman.

Now, I know that I do in fact love you, as deeply as ever before, awakened in a moment of remembrance your eyes, your consciousness. You are one of the most painful mirrors I have ever held myself up to. I know this pain is good pain. And it is some of the worst inner emotional pain I have ever experienced.

And I love it. And it doesn't affect my love for you, my desire for you.

It does affect our relationship in present time. It cancels the possibility that we will realize the glory of uniting our polarized ends with one another.

Not forever. And only at some level, that of this physical world, this reality.

As God, we will forever remain one and the same.

This is God's greatest grace in the realm of relationship. The truth that ultimately, there is no relationship. What feels like separation and challenge between us, what causes such distinct sharpness in my heart, is only the ignorance of that ultimate reality.

I wish I could tell you. I wish I could be true to just how real I love you, yet our interaction prevents it at every turn.

So a great lesson is learned. I cannot force you to love me as I love you. Or want me as deeply as I crave you.

Because I am such a lie, and that is how you see me too, it is that much harder for me to wake up from such slumber and be the love I am for you.

Inside I am striving also to be one with you. To be worthy of your love. To be worthy of your recognition of me as love.

I don't see it happening any time soon. This is so deep in fantasy it's not even funny. Something to honor for the preciousness it awakens in my heart, and let go like a bag of bricks.

i love u i hate u i love u. when u are shiva you will watch me dance through this.