Why do I want to feel miserable? miser-able? able to be a miser? able to take for myself without giving to others. god what pain and suffering exists which I test am I still allowed to experience it? Sure, you say, I say, sure I am. Is this what elijah means when he says I am borderline between the spiritual life and the mundane world of affairs? That my consciousness may come on board, but it may not?
In this moment that inspires anger and hatred, which are obvious signs that my consciousness is lowered. Else I hear that and am either not bothered at all or I am inspired to rise to the higher levels of consciousness. But you know, this too shall pass. To hang on to the negativity is as stupid, or really stupider, than hanging onto happiness and the like.
My mind is telling me that I feel terrible, and then it convinces me to do things to my body which I don't think will benefit. It is trapped in some lower level muladharistic and just general lower mind shit attached to the physical world and myself as some kind of a separate individual. It is full of the rebellious mode, as in I had self control and restraint and now it's like I cannot, I have to pay for it. my mind did its same old trick trying to convince me that I will do some big cleanse or whatever to lose weight and purify but of course that just leads into more dangerous territory. it is call imbalance. it is a bit dangerous, for myself and those around me. and then i judge myself and that just doesn't help much either. how many times have i been through this cycle? when am i ready to give it up for something deeper?
for example the deep orgasm?
I just don't CARE about anything! but even that is a lie. I am just lying to myself and I can't stand it. I don't want to reach out or ask for help cause who is there who can support me? and yet i need support, clearly, which I don't want to face. I want to be ok, alone, independent, don't I? I want you, I want you, I want you. And what does that mean? How do I desire a man who doesn't even recognize me? Or who actually does recognize me as someone I do not wish to be? He doesn't recognize me as girlfriend or lover. He sees me as an acquaintance. I do not see him as an acquaintance and to act as such is false and causes suffering. but what am i to do?
How many times have I witnessed this cycle? It got so out of control in Thailand, or so I fell into believing, that I thought I had to come home to get a grip. Which of course I have and have not really got a grip. At some levels I have seen through myself very much, but it hasn't penetrated deeply enough as it is not spontaneously affecting all my actions. It's like I am not even here because I don't know why I am here. I want to be with him but I haven't a clue how to be with him or be a woman he would be attracted to, anymore than I already am. People prove themselves in action, it seems, here in this world, and I don't know what to do. Or perhaps I do. He says the path is hard, takes a lot of deep thinking, grace, and spiritual insight. He sees himself as having attained the final realization and so he is finished, at some level, and wishes to die. He also wishes for the acclaim a Libra-Leo moon is entitled to in this incarnation, and doesn't feel he has any effort to put forth in this direction. If he would want me, I would join with him to serve him, but it would be challenging as that being said doesn't mean I would hand over my powers of reasoning and personal beliefs. What are my personal beliefs and how do I live by them?
Sometimes I feel to think after my own spiritual development actually leads to much less. In that I become self absorbed in my own reflections and ideas of how to improve, when actually I need just be in this moment, love the other, be free. Give up expectation, and just do what I love.
That is you. How can I have expectations? Why am I so scared of Power? I am scared of his power which is simply a projection of my own power. what's to worry about, I will never be able to compete...oh there it is AGAIN!!! It is as if I am competing, I am in competition with myself, and then with others. It's like I want him to give me something that I want and as if I have to compete to get it. It's as if I have to compete against my lower nature to get the higher consciousness. Is it not a competition? It is simply an opening, a greater opening.
Appreciate for what is, love what is. desire none else. I love you. be free.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Morning savasana
The snooze button is not such a good friend to me.
I doze off after relaxing at 7 am in bed, after a short tired practice which I never really woke up into.
In the dream, there is a small boy child, and I talk with him, hold him, and realize he is the same man who I am in love with. In the morning I think it is E. I talk with him, and once I realize that it is him, I am even more loving and open with him, holding him and laughing and discussing what's to be done. We are in a shop, planning a birthday party I believe. It reminds me that once u love someone, it's like your love can become some overarching thing and embrace all of time and place. did i make friends with E. as a boy?
ok friends and lovers, i am going to do a strange thing. a wax.
I doze off after relaxing at 7 am in bed, after a short tired practice which I never really woke up into.
In the dream, there is a small boy child, and I talk with him, hold him, and realize he is the same man who I am in love with. In the morning I think it is E. I talk with him, and once I realize that it is him, I am even more loving and open with him, holding him and laughing and discussing what's to be done. We are in a shop, planning a birthday party I believe. It reminds me that once u love someone, it's like your love can become some overarching thing and embrace all of time and place. did i make friends with E. as a boy?
ok friends and lovers, i am going to do a strange thing. a wax.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Being Myself
This is a private blog. As far as I know no one has ever read it except me.
he says, i will teach when i am sure that the path is worth it.
HE says, I am just barely on the path. I have come forward and then regressed since meeting him. Now I am only just slightly ahead of where I was before. What do I think he is referring to? My state of consciousness. This too, is always changing. How enlightened I am, how focused on God, other, non-selfishness. Even this is not something to be attached to. But know what is the right manifestation.
He says it is not about good and bad, but what is RIGHT. After being near to him he brushes off my energy. It is gooey and svadhisthanistic. Why did I think for a second that spell check would correct that for me?
I talk with Omri who discusses balance. How hard it is to be with an untantric woman, how imbalanced most people are. The low level of spirituality in Israel. I say I am seeing a man who is moving to Israel. He says, oh, so you are coming to Israel. Ha. He has no idea the nature of the relationship. E. says he will do his best to keep things casual between us, but will not put restrictions on sexuality. i.e., if he feels like fucking me, he will try. He says he is not very attracted to me. This is not a test for him. If it is for me, that is telling for me, not him. It is not an audition, he says.
Omri talks about balance. I can hear his heart on the page and it fills me with affection.
I need to make space for the experiences I desire in this life. Do I even desire experiences? I said to him, i want to be pure enough for you. you don't even know me, i believe is his response. never before has my divisive selfish nature been so painfully highlighted as it is with him. It is like I could feel the pain of truth just being in his presence so much more acutely last night. When he said we could go on a trip together somewhere, the beach or the mountains, which would he like, he asks, it was so painfully just what I wanted to hear and also painful in that it doesn't add affection or change his feelings for me that he may want me.
He says he does not think that we want different things, we want the same things.
how will i receive a man who can open me sexually to god if i continue pleasing myself?
how will i balance another and bring love and blessings to your life if i am not balanced myself?
My actions of the past reveal the extent of my ignorance and selfishness, given power too soon and just abused it.
It's about service, he says, work. work is good, cause it makes us feel worthwhile. we must work. we must serve. i must go back and do the work i promised to the school.
Also thinking about Swami's healing center. Wonder if I could help set that up, where would be a good location. They are open, America or Europe, also desiring an ashram. How to mobilize forces, myself, to envision a life?
but you know, my sweet gorgeous love, that i felt in the way of anguished ecstasy last night. Anguish at the truth which destroys my illusions. ecstasy in the presence of you, the preciousness of you, which makes the preciousness of life more clear.
you said to me, i love you too. and i had not said to you that i love you, but i was thrilled to know that you know i do, and that you love me too.
he says, i will teach when i am sure that the path is worth it.
HE says, I am just barely on the path. I have come forward and then regressed since meeting him. Now I am only just slightly ahead of where I was before. What do I think he is referring to? My state of consciousness. This too, is always changing. How enlightened I am, how focused on God, other, non-selfishness. Even this is not something to be attached to. But know what is the right manifestation.
He says it is not about good and bad, but what is RIGHT. After being near to him he brushes off my energy. It is gooey and svadhisthanistic. Why did I think for a second that spell check would correct that for me?
I talk with Omri who discusses balance. How hard it is to be with an untantric woman, how imbalanced most people are. The low level of spirituality in Israel. I say I am seeing a man who is moving to Israel. He says, oh, so you are coming to Israel. Ha. He has no idea the nature of the relationship. E. says he will do his best to keep things casual between us, but will not put restrictions on sexuality. i.e., if he feels like fucking me, he will try. He says he is not very attracted to me. This is not a test for him. If it is for me, that is telling for me, not him. It is not an audition, he says.
Omri talks about balance. I can hear his heart on the page and it fills me with affection.
I need to make space for the experiences I desire in this life. Do I even desire experiences? I said to him, i want to be pure enough for you. you don't even know me, i believe is his response. never before has my divisive selfish nature been so painfully highlighted as it is with him. It is like I could feel the pain of truth just being in his presence so much more acutely last night. When he said we could go on a trip together somewhere, the beach or the mountains, which would he like, he asks, it was so painfully just what I wanted to hear and also painful in that it doesn't add affection or change his feelings for me that he may want me.
He says he does not think that we want different things, we want the same things.
how will i receive a man who can open me sexually to god if i continue pleasing myself?
how will i balance another and bring love and blessings to your life if i am not balanced myself?
My actions of the past reveal the extent of my ignorance and selfishness, given power too soon and just abused it.
It's about service, he says, work. work is good, cause it makes us feel worthwhile. we must work. we must serve. i must go back and do the work i promised to the school.
Also thinking about Swami's healing center. Wonder if I could help set that up, where would be a good location. They are open, America or Europe, also desiring an ashram. How to mobilize forces, myself, to envision a life?
but you know, my sweet gorgeous love, that i felt in the way of anguished ecstasy last night. Anguish at the truth which destroys my illusions. ecstasy in the presence of you, the preciousness of you, which makes the preciousness of life more clear.
you said to me, i love you too. and i had not said to you that i love you, but i was thrilled to know that you know i do, and that you love me too.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
the sabbath
If you are not in your position at all times, you do not exist. --E.
Any moment in which I am unaware of God, I do not exist, because I do not exist at all separate from the Divine Consciousness.
You are evil, because you have used what you think you know about me AGAINST me.
Who is the one with the divisive nature? I want to surrender all kind of antagonism towards you. I tell you when you say I worship a different god than you that it is not true. We worship the same god, I insist. There is only one god, there is only one absolute truth.
Everything he says to me is true, at some level. He says to me that it is only when I realize and accept his realization that we can even begin. We pause, we are in the woods. Want to keep walking, he asks? No, I have something to say. It is within me and I muse at the fate of my life, the circumstances in which I am forced to speak.
I know that I want you, I say. I need you, at some level. He smiles, thank you, he says. In my mind I think how Swami knows that we want him, and so he takes us, whether we are consciously aware that we want and need him or not. In that way, when we do realize it, he is already ours.
This man, on the other hand, I feel like he pushes me away, highlights all my pride and aspects which keep me separated from god, so that it is like a knife, destroying the illusions of separation in a much sharper way. Because I see somehow that it is actually I who pushes him away--he is completely available to me am I to be my true self. Masculine or feminine approach?
We sit on the log on earth on a quiet summer day. I am silent and appreciate deeply in my heart this moment of presence.
Later on, after we have walked and returned and he has met my parents, he turns to me and says, you know, you looked the most beautiful i have ever seen you today, sitting on the floor in your parent's house. I smile, I am such a dead giveaway. Am I? Because I was so happy there, with these people who I love in conversation. Seeing this man be with me with my parents. And smile, and engage, and be a vulnerable, kind hearted, seriously thoughtful person. Then again, every time I see him, he says I look the most beautiful that he has ever seen me.
The storm is coming, the day has been rather lackadaisical, she doesn't really know what to do nor does she remember if she ever wanted anything anyway. She wants to fall deeply in love to the point of obliteration of herself.
Any moment in which I am unaware of God, I do not exist, because I do not exist at all separate from the Divine Consciousness.
You are evil, because you have used what you think you know about me AGAINST me.
Who is the one with the divisive nature? I want to surrender all kind of antagonism towards you. I tell you when you say I worship a different god than you that it is not true. We worship the same god, I insist. There is only one god, there is only one absolute truth.
Everything he says to me is true, at some level. He says to me that it is only when I realize and accept his realization that we can even begin. We pause, we are in the woods. Want to keep walking, he asks? No, I have something to say. It is within me and I muse at the fate of my life, the circumstances in which I am forced to speak.
I know that I want you, I say. I need you, at some level. He smiles, thank you, he says. In my mind I think how Swami knows that we want him, and so he takes us, whether we are consciously aware that we want and need him or not. In that way, when we do realize it, he is already ours.
This man, on the other hand, I feel like he pushes me away, highlights all my pride and aspects which keep me separated from god, so that it is like a knife, destroying the illusions of separation in a much sharper way. Because I see somehow that it is actually I who pushes him away--he is completely available to me am I to be my true self. Masculine or feminine approach?
We sit on the log on earth on a quiet summer day. I am silent and appreciate deeply in my heart this moment of presence.
Later on, after we have walked and returned and he has met my parents, he turns to me and says, you know, you looked the most beautiful i have ever seen you today, sitting on the floor in your parent's house. I smile, I am such a dead giveaway. Am I? Because I was so happy there, with these people who I love in conversation. Seeing this man be with me with my parents. And smile, and engage, and be a vulnerable, kind hearted, seriously thoughtful person. Then again, every time I see him, he says I look the most beautiful that he has ever seen me.
The storm is coming, the day has been rather lackadaisical, she doesn't really know what to do nor does she remember if she ever wanted anything anyway. She wants to fall deeply in love to the point of obliteration of herself.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Love
What are correspondences? Swami loves to make connections, to see the correspondence of all things on each level of reality.
In the Kathopanishad, it says 'the manifested Brahman should be reached. The unmanifested should be known.'
My body is aching today, mostly around my shoulders, because I went to super macho physical worship Anusara 2+ yoga class last night. We did arm balances and wheel pose flips and one armed headstands a la tripsichore. it was about the most un-safe yoga class i ever went to. and perfect for my state of mind. because where is safety in the realm of utter destruction of my delusions? I cried in savasana, a few tears, as I had a vision of our beings here on earth. I saw that actually we are puppets, we are mere instruments of god, yet we think we are real. We think we are acting independantly, and it causes so much unbearable pain and suffering, but only for ourselves. god always knows we are His.
And it seems silly to want to get back to being a puppet and so it is exalted as a conscious choice, that that is the true mystical pinnacle of the human experience, to choose to be one with god's flow of energy. to release the illusion that I am in control of anything whatsoever, and allow myself to be guided and LIVED by HIM. only my consciousness of it brings the unity--creates the purity and essence of the point of the whole experience. This is our natural state, so many say. The others claim that we are sinners, but it is really all the same.
In relationship with him the pain of his abuse is laughable, the pain of letting go of my false wishes from him excruciating. This is also why I cried there, in savasana, a long savasana, I relaxed my entire body, I felt myself humbled by the strength in the room. I felt myself letting go of identification with myself, a renunciation of the constant barrage of identity enforcing mindstream. all the thoughts about him, about our relationship, should we shouldn't we, how can we, he doesn't fit into my life, oh wait, he fits more perfectly than anyone else. he refuses to be identified with me, only i can choose to identify with him but even that--is it a test of my loyalty, will I ever win him?
It seems all I can do is let go as completely and purely as possible. and when that is truly my state, there will no longer remain this residue of what if? What if I let go and then he wants me? No, not even this. Simply, truly, let go. with all my heart.
So my mind tells me I am depressed cause it is processing refined sugar and stirring up some non-existent intimate moments with him. thank god he never really gave me anything to hold on to in the first place. Again, I can thank him for that.
In the Kathopanishad, it says 'the manifested Brahman should be reached. The unmanifested should be known.'
My body is aching today, mostly around my shoulders, because I went to super macho physical worship Anusara 2+ yoga class last night. We did arm balances and wheel pose flips and one armed headstands a la tripsichore. it was about the most un-safe yoga class i ever went to. and perfect for my state of mind. because where is safety in the realm of utter destruction of my delusions? I cried in savasana, a few tears, as I had a vision of our beings here on earth. I saw that actually we are puppets, we are mere instruments of god, yet we think we are real. We think we are acting independantly, and it causes so much unbearable pain and suffering, but only for ourselves. god always knows we are His.
And it seems silly to want to get back to being a puppet and so it is exalted as a conscious choice, that that is the true mystical pinnacle of the human experience, to choose to be one with god's flow of energy. to release the illusion that I am in control of anything whatsoever, and allow myself to be guided and LIVED by HIM. only my consciousness of it brings the unity--creates the purity and essence of the point of the whole experience. This is our natural state, so many say. The others claim that we are sinners, but it is really all the same.
In relationship with him the pain of his abuse is laughable, the pain of letting go of my false wishes from him excruciating. This is also why I cried there, in savasana, a long savasana, I relaxed my entire body, I felt myself humbled by the strength in the room. I felt myself letting go of identification with myself, a renunciation of the constant barrage of identity enforcing mindstream. all the thoughts about him, about our relationship, should we shouldn't we, how can we, he doesn't fit into my life, oh wait, he fits more perfectly than anyone else. he refuses to be identified with me, only i can choose to identify with him but even that--is it a test of my loyalty, will I ever win him?
It seems all I can do is let go as completely and purely as possible. and when that is truly my state, there will no longer remain this residue of what if? What if I let go and then he wants me? No, not even this. Simply, truly, let go. with all my heart.
So my mind tells me I am depressed cause it is processing refined sugar and stirring up some non-existent intimate moments with him. thank god he never really gave me anything to hold on to in the first place. Again, I can thank him for that.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
truth
to me it seemed inevitable that we would be together as soon as i met you, before i met you, as soon as i heard you were available to be met.
this all makes perfect sense with you as god.
you see the inevitability of our relationship, of our connection as human beings. this is not something i know the answer to yet. i am in love with god and will open myself to him in all ways. the fact that you refuse me as i am, and can see straight through every lie and ignorance which i carry around, is perfect as it is. i must embrace myself, because i am myself. and i will love honor and worship you as god, and i must be strong enough to reject you as a mean ill mannered man. but god i have seen your heart and it is the most precious thing in this world, in this state. and i will never forget that.
this all makes perfect sense with you as god.
you see the inevitability of our relationship, of our connection as human beings. this is not something i know the answer to yet. i am in love with god and will open myself to him in all ways. the fact that you refuse me as i am, and can see straight through every lie and ignorance which i carry around, is perfect as it is. i must embrace myself, because i am myself. and i will love honor and worship you as god, and i must be strong enough to reject you as a mean ill mannered man. but god i have seen your heart and it is the most precious thing in this world, in this state. and i will never forget that.
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