What it was like to be enlightened

What was it like to be enlightened for a day?

It didn't even last quite that long.

There was a moment yesterday during the afternoon meditation when I got to a point of general blurriness, mild dulled down anxiety and in general a sensation that I could go no deeper in the meditation. It was time to switch off.

unfortunately, there happened still to be another hour left in which because of the pressure of the group around me meditating ardently, I was forbidden to do anything that resembled anything other than meditating.

So, what to do? I forced my eyes closed again and recognized in this feeling that it was very familiar. Nauseatingly familiar. It was the same feeling which had driven me to various cups of coffee, tea, ice cream cones, internet searches and mindless conversations over the past couple of weeks and god knows how long before.

It was the exact inner sensation which continued to keep me from doing spiritual practice.

It was the sensation I found inside when I thought of doing my daily meditation and which was indeed so uncomfortable that I allowed myself to skip it, increasing the uncomfortable feeling for the next day in fact.

So, again the question, what to do? Okay, I say to myself. Bring it on. There is nowhere for me to run here. Let's see what the heck is going on in this here mind which is so scared to go a little deeper into myself.

I don't remember EXACTLY what happened. I thought of using the meditation technique (that was the point of the retreat, after all) and so I asked myself, 'who am i?'
and then, who is so scared? who is thinking these thoughts? who is asking these questions? who am i?

these questions were in the vein of suzanne segal's questions after her experience of spontaneous and unstoppable witness consciousness. gradually and suddenly, the way started to clear before me as I turned each thought upon itself and asked who thought it, etc.

and there i experienced a sense of void, of sense of no-bodyness. that indeed, the parts of me which were scared, were not actually real. they were shadows, they were pathology, they were all manner of egoistic and deluded ways of thinking attached to the idea that I am a woman named me with my past and this tight ball of accumulated ideas and assumptions and ways of viewing the world which accounted for my reality.

what am i going to do? who is going to do? i ask. indeed, the interesting things are many. for one, the inquiry took on a new level of reality, of seriousness, of honest self questioning. i was filled with a sense of awe, and purpose, surprising as it may seem since what i found was spaciousness and emptiness, yet at the same time the thoughts continued constantly to arise so my purpose was to question each. allow and question.

then when the meditation was concluded, my body pleasantly numb and i asked who is going to do yoga practice? and then it was as if i could really just watch, and when i watched, i did just what was appropriate for me in that moment. no lazy self willed laxness, nor over ambitiousness. there was a bit of reasoning but in a healthy way, as in, i have forty minutes, how best to allot the time, and then i simply went through some postures, pranayama, etc and laid down for relaxation at the end. it wasn't a spectacular yoga session by any stretch. i didn't push myself much nor go too easy on myself. I didn't do much of anything really. it was as though the body and mind and everything just acted upon itself as it would and i was there simply, there.

and then naturally the lecture started and i took a seat, listened and took notes, all the while inquiring within myself, especially when thoughts arose which were clearly pathological, or unhealthy. such as, oh look at how beautiful is laksman, and arnaud, and what is she doing and my her body is spectacular. each time i thought these things i asked, who thinks this? partly the answer is some openess, some spaciousness and non answer, then partly the clarity comes that all these thoughts are coming from the immature and unhealthy ego structure which is comparing, judging, criticizing, etc. based again on assumptions and ideas.

at the end of the session i come back to my house with a sense of awe, as though coming upon it for the first time, like oh yeah, u live here? there is some fear of a scary movie which came up a few nights ago and i see how much deeper is the attachment to this fear.

I utterly surprise myself by sitting down to do japa yoga. I had completed 7 in the yoga hall with 14 left but in the past weeks have skimped on discipline so sadly from above mentioned inner state that i hardly had any will to make myself do much of anything except eat and play on the computer. but i didn't see what else i should do. i mean, i could lay in bed or read or whatever but it was obvious from a previous agreement that i should do the meditation.

who is doing the meditation? god knows.

still, there was some inner resistance and boredom at times and i noticed another microcosm of a bigger trend in my life. like i decide to do it, then spend most of the time asking if i am really gonna do it, am i gonna finish it, etc. causing that i do not go deeply into the meditation at all b/c all the time i'm squirming and thinking maybe i'll just quit.

after awhile i think i will just do it already, and relax into it, but still it is a bit difficult. however i know all along that actually i will do it b/c at this point i sat down and started and whenever my mind strayed again i asked, who am i?

it seemed that nothing was real about me except the answer to this question, and indeed the only worthwhile things to do were either to strengthen this reality, which can't really be done but to purify all that which obstructs it can.

and i saw quite clearly how much my laziness and the rest is the result of self-will fear and pride. Do i have so much pride that i cannot make an effort when things become more challenging? it appears so.

luckily this new key of who is lazy? who is full of pride? was wiping clean the slate of false images in a way which freed up loads of energy to do simply what needed to be done without my interference. in fact, any interference from me simply made it much more difficult to complete the task at all.

i go to sleep around 11 oclock and set the alarm for six. i wake up around 500 or so and go back to sleep, dreaming about babysitting with parris and siblings and i was giving them choices. i awake to the sound of a big palmetto bug landing on my pillow and i sit up immediately and turn on the light as simply as can be, no complaint involved. the bug crawls off my bed and i simply get up and do vamana dhauti, which i decided the night before in clarity would be good to do.

then i did neti, then some stretching and walked to the yoga hall b/c it seems ridiculous to drive after all. all the time i am asking myself who i am and full of the sensation of getting out of the way so that what needs to be done simply can be done.

getting dressed is much easier than it was the day before when i was again concerned with my image and couldn't decide, etc.

i sat as the monitor and went quite easily into the state of self inquiry and now involving the emotion of love and longing which could have seemed contradictory at first for simply there is no one there then what to feel love and longing? yet the reality included more than simply no reality.

i was aware all the time that this state would be deep and great and that again it will pass, as always, because now i have been practising long enough and have an idea of my pitfalls to know it is back and forth all the time with me. i may be in high states, or deep states, and then come back to myself as a mundane woman with utter attachment to the material world and negative thinking etc. how to make this a lasting experience? i didn't even want to ask b/c i always failed at doing it before.

indeed by the time i returned home after lunch it was fading and i lapsed enough with the vigilant self questioning that while i was in the bathroom shaving off all the hair from my body i thought fuck i will renounce spirituality once and for all because it causes too much confusion in the question of what to do with my life.

i want to learn how to ride horses and ride them in the evenings next to my husband.

how do i get over the false belief that what i want and what god wants for me are mutually exclusive?

how to integrate, it is as often these experiences. my mind is such an escaper and fearer of life that i want to use this as a means to get out for good. god just let me out.

let me be free from all effort to develop and change and be a better individual. indeed it seems the best way to develop would be to stay in this pure state and allow god to do all the 'work' for me. yet the work is to stay in the state...so alluring are the mental fluctuations still. who is still such a spiritually unevolved human being????

thank you god and jesus christ for your reality.