Dream Dictionary

Gratitude briefly overwhelms.

I dream I am in a place...a museum, an airport, I don't know exactly. Somewhere big, amidst a group of people, on a trip of sorts.

I find myself sitting next to Laksman. We go together over to see Ronela, who sits a ways down. There Laksman asks me why or if I am still angry with him. Why am I upset with him? I am surprised by the question, for I feel I am the one who is hurt, rejected, and he gives me the impression that somehow he feels that way from the way I am acting.

Interesting point happens that I stand up to look over because I think we left our physical bodies where we were sitting before. Indeed there they were, Laksman and I, sitting next to one another, just our bodies. Strange.

I think I will go back to get my body and he comes with me. Ronela is full of love and groundedness within her being. This is how I perceive her in real life and it throws me off completely because I feel it is in relation to Laksman, like she is so secure in their love and connection...a way I also felt...before her.

Coming back to our bodies, there is a slice of cake to celebrate the birthday of the girl sitting beside me. Actually I realize it is my half birthday as well.

In the dream I hug Laksman, put my hand to his hair...

I awake feeling terrible, unhappy, miserable. What is going on? I can't figure it out. Last night I passed these two on the beach and it affected me for the next two hours in a state of emotional limbo and longing and sadness. What needs are not being met? How do I honor the experience of this woman I am living through? What needs to be communicated?

Is it true that actually it is I that is hurting him and not vice versa?

Stick to simplicity...each day I long to see him and want to invite him over or to see me. but two times already have I done so and been rejected with silence. Then later met with a hug and half hearted attempt...then to see them together on the beach...how to be honest about Laksman? Still so much unknown. Somehow I don't feel I can just cross him off from my heart, and alas because I am so attracted to him it's very difficult to simply say ok we are friends.

He has encouraged this in his way as well. To tell me not to let go the romantic feelings for him, though now is not the time...what am I to do? It leaves me feeling disempowered, surprise surprise, unfulfilled emotionally and sexually by him, and yet somehow there is an open longing as if he would satisfy these desires...

So I want to say to myself fine I will just no longer offer you my emotional and sexual needs because with you they are frustrated, yet there is something unspoken. Feels so much like with Luc, like part of me knows that maybe we won't be together, or rather it is my lack of faith in the power of love, and so while I want to say hands down, take me, i want you completely. i am scared to death of rejection, and scared that if i get what i want, it will no longer be what i want. like i felt before...though i tried so hard to supercede my own limitations with that through awareness and felt i did an ok job.

so emotional maturity is lacking b/c still I fear of rejection, fear the risk, that it might be the wrong thing to do, etc.

so then the emotionally mature thing to do might be to simply confess to him my feelings AND request a response. i feel like i know what he will say, especially now i've waited so long and hurt myself so much in the process. he will say not now, he will say it is so amazing with her there is no one else i want to be with.

and so what? will it hurt him to do this as an exercise in the expression of myself?

am i being honest that i even want to express these things? oh god. how do i deny your grace?

how do i deny who and what i love? it is such an abomination. i am full of sorrow and regreat that i have lived like this.

i love you. thank you for whoever opens the eyes in the morning and propels me forward.

let not the dark thoughts have any power over me, but let them be lifted easily from my being and light shone where i need to see.

Thank god for the presence of god. Forgive every miserable second in which I forget and allow the feelings of despair to come over me. dear god forgive me these weaknesses. help me to find the strength and the courage to live a life dedicated and surrendered to your divine will.

i love you.