organizational woes

Ok, this may sound obvious to most of you, but I just realized something upon waking this morning.

It Is: there is nothing "wrong" with the lack of organizational routine and practice in my life, it is me and purely me who becomes extremely ill at ease in a life without a consistent spiritual practice. The point is that there is no objective truth to the universe that says in order to lead a spiritual and meaningful life one must get up every morning and do hours of practice and eat a completely pure diet, etc. etc. This is the conditioning of my own mind! It all goes back to the way my mind interpreted the way to understand and practice the teachings.

It is still helpful to know, and in fact I think there may be some larger organizational principle to human life, clearly evidenced by the way humans consistently organize themselves into units, groups, etc. Though honestly, I think it may not be the same experience for all of us. We all come here with our own program and interpret reality through those filters.

So a little triumph in figuring out another lens through which I am predisposed to see the world, and hence judge my own experience in it.

This is one of the reasons why lately I have become less inspired, less happy. I attribute it obviously to the fact that my practice has diminished due to working 40 hours per week which miraculously drains my inspiration to do anything else (despite that my "work" is hanging out in an office playing on the computer and reading all day). But further up, a meta realization, if you will, is the lens I use to judge that if my practice is decreased and along with it, obviously, my desire to practice, this removes what I consider the "good" organizational structure from my life (this is constantly recurring, by the way) which increases my sensation that something is "wrong" with me and the way I am living my life. I have simply replaced the organizational structure of practice and discipline with a job and hanging out with family and sleeping in the off time, which leaves my soul lacking.

Alas, what is wrong is not what I am actually doing (albeit there is something to that of course), but how I perceive what I am doing.

I am constantly playing out this game in my head, going from being "good" to "bad" in terms of my diet, practice, relationships, etc. And the "bad" aspects are simply representations of me getting stuck on some aspect of behavior which I get drawn into , a heavy energy, which takes me away from seeing what is going on in this moment, which may be out of my organizational reality of "goodness" but which may, and most definitely does, open doors in a thousand other directions could I only perceive them. It is the rut of guilt and focusing on what is wrong which keeps me from realizing that everything is right and, more importantly, LIGHT.

It is like a faulty program that has a glitch. If I go off the radar screen it is like a broken record. What do you do when your cd starts skipping? Or, in this case a better analogy is when it gets stuck on one note and won't move on. The obvious solution is to skip to the next track. If it continues to ruin the entire album, you may buy a new album. Read: get a new program.

I might say, it's not so easy to get a new program, it's not as easy as going out to the store to buy a new cd. It's more like I ordered this one cd from the netherworld and it finally came after a long wait and now it's fucked up so I'd better try to work on this one cause getting a new one could take a hella long time. Is that how it is? Or am I in the land of plenty perspective programs? Is it easier than I ever imagined to change my program? Well, let's look at past experience.

It hasn't been so easy but at the same time that may be because I never believed it could be so easy.