what is easy?

when i can reflect and see what openings I did miss. Let go.

what opportunities for bliss and happiness did exist? which i was not patient enough to cultivate? which i overlooked in my ignorance.

It was but a few weeks before I decided to save my orgasms for a man to give me, for god to give me. and in fact, i received but one before feeling it myself and from thence did hell break lose, in a dreary cold kind of way.

how does this universe work? I cannot have you because i have not abided by the rules! that is what i feel in this moment, that is what i know to be true. for had i followed the laws of nature, would you not desire me so deeply that to resist me would cause such unbearable suffering as not to be at all a possibility?

oh that there are some laws outside myself, such is an illusion unless i am there. dualism. non dualism. all are encompassed in the absolute, and in the dual. by the dual world there are so many laws outside oneself which must be obeyed lest the suffering of ignorance crush you. Then let it crush you, as it only crushes those parts of yourself which are full of false illusions anyway.

to abide in the non dual state of unity of god is to be free, to be free from the rules of the world--because you are the rule of the world. how can you make a "mistake" from the point of view of unity? how can you transgress against the will of god if that will is none other than the only thing that actually exists?

god you are my favorite classroom i have ever entered. while you berate me and hurt me and challenge me there is no stopping my hearts desire for you, oh my god, it just burns as brightly as ever, no matter how you push me away. am i mistaken to think of you as the god you claim to be? will i ever win your favor? or has my thinking just diverged from that non dual thread which holds we are never separate so what is there between us again?

in my heart i know we are one. in this world of action, also we are one. though it appears that we stay separate. respect for the nature of things is ideal for happiness to be experienced.

how then can my thoughts and experiences be analyzed? is the lesson I am learning through you applying only to you or to all things? because it is written in our astrological fates that with a character such as you it will never do to be resentful and focus on the separation. to relate with one such as you, must be done through the consciousness of oneness with you. sounds like the way to relate to god and by god it is because you are god, as i am, as we all are.

your distinctions betray your realization. i think it is not for a woman to reason with a man. by which i mean, nature cares not for the wars and political and spiritual arguments of mankind. sure, she is affected by how much love and bliss she is permitted to bring to the world, but she insists at every turn, in every crack in the sidewalk, on offering her deepest gift of love and beauty no matter how hard you try to make it ugly.

my feelings for you have nothing to do with your position in the world as a teacher or deeper more significant place in which you see yourself. my feelings for you arise from a desire to be love, to grow and shine for you that you may be free of that which oppresses you and realize the beauty that is me. yes, from He was She created, but only through Her will He be realized, the soft overcomes the hard, it is a neverending spontaneous co-existing cycle out of time and distinction, this game, this play. this fabulous sexual dance.

so now we are not together and that is a sign that i am not together with myself. my Desire to be together with myself only creates more Desire to be together with myself. I am already inextricably together with myself to the point that no matter this illusion it can never be reality except so long as I allow it. god what grace. so full of grace.