Endless Saturday

I feel like I have come full circle.

Back again in an inner space which lacks spaciousness, probably prompted by monthly changing hormones and so there is nothing to take seriously, but then, there is nothing to EVER take seriously.

Bitch, whine, poor me.

Ok, so I dreamt about Barack Obama last night. He was endeared to my friend. Then it turned out he also had been into Agama (note name similarity) yoga in the past. And i feared for the media to discover that he had Swami for a teacher (akin to his provocative preacher, Rev. Wright!). I awoke in some paranoia in the early hours, fantasizing that Obama was in my dreams due to super subconscious infiltrating devices. I chanted myself back to sleep, as I had many hours earlier.

How I want to blame, blame, blame. Now I think it may be not only the energy of our particular family but very much that of the society at large. The egregor of consciousness of mainstream America, as viewed on TV and on highways and malls and corporate chains, etc. A culture of IGNORANCE. Why do I fall for it again and again? it's just what they want! A person who is too scared to actually CHANGE anything, ok Obama, but also raising of consciousness!

Why don't I meet anyone new or interesting around here? Why am I so scared to change? What on earth am I holding onto? How do I become this person so uncontrolled, negative, mean, pathetic, more than anything else. My god. It is so embarrassing to be alive as myself today, I said to my mother, after giving her the lay down, one up-ing myself with what I think is real wisdom but so unskillfully delivered. God, what about skill?

What about the willingness to WORK? To step out of myself, where I simply simmer to death, in order to do something useful for the other.

So today I feel back into this consciousness of insecurity, that sense that every time the light shines through and I feel elevated, this state of hopelessness is just on its heels. And who shall win? The struggle continues.

Krishna speaks of his most beloved disciples and I think, ha, never shall I manage to make myself into any so exalted as to be named as one of HIS most beloved. And what is my goal in life?

Running through the woods, dreaming of his eyes, his face, his wisdom, his anything, I wish I could be someone that he loves. Who am I talking about? Some idea of God imposed on some idea of a man? God I don't know anything. Except what I know. Why do I default into this familiar habitual "safe" land of NO RESPONSIBILITY?

My life set up in such a way that I somehow feel like I CAN AFFORD to wallow in this state of consciousness for even ONE SECOND? Dear god it is the example as put forth around me so I do not blame but recognize the influence of resonance.

There are the two things right. The influence of the others will make me become like them (you are your friends) and then the alternate principle that being around others who are different may bring out the differences (Lion stands out from the Sheep). Sheeple, people. Why can I not bring myself to BE and admit TO BE one of those glorious humans who give themselves to God, to live beautiful lives full OF PURPOSE, DEDICATION, COMPASSION, DISCIPLINE, LOVE POWER BEAUTY.

How much can I allow myself these unbelievable luxuries as I look around into poverty of spirit. But then, as I was there--that poverty of spirit was with me. Oh GOD HOW MAY I SERVE YOU?

This is the farthest thing from serving myself! GOD just choose and move on! Why How can I not/stop learning this lesson? By getting it! Translation into ACTION.

Mi amor. This is not what I thought it would be. This is not the liberation I thought I experienced last week. This is the bondage I've been unable to enjoy for years upon years. Self Knowledge hurts. Upon what path shall I walk to survive in this world? And not only to survive, but to THRIVE.

I dream of being back at Agama and I am so grateful and thrilled to be back by the ocean. I awake and think I would so much prefer the idiosyncrasies of Agama's administrative machine than the dysfunction of my family any day!

When did I get so lost? What patterns have i frightfully repeated so often and made it thus harder for myself.

Krishna says the path of devotion and surrender is the easiest, the most accessible to receive his love. The path of detachment, disciple, control of senses, etc., is possible, but much more arduous. The arduous path, that seems to be my lot. And yet, what a funny funny joke that is!

How arduous it is to abuse myself by myself with leisure and free time and plenty. Oh, god, it is such a shameful embarrassment to dishonor you in this way.

I beg forgiveness, I pray forgiveness, and pray for the light of your consciousness to stay with me always that I shall not, by your grace, engage in such indiscriminate behavior as a dumb animal may.

Why do I fear surrender? As if God in his perfection would take me to do anything I could not? For if it is true surrender, He is with me.

Well, this is a lot of ramblings and fantabulous promenades from second cakra, lower level, whatever, just a wobbly step on the path...