the Lake, the Goddess

We all have feelings, don't we?

Each of us may have been triggered by one thing or another during that staff meeting. Staff meetings are prime territory for re-stimulation.

and then my sister called. And that was nice, she is coming home soon. A beautiful non-Western native English speaker walked in with a soft spoken inquiry into the general arena of study abroad.

My body feels slightly upset that I did not practice postures yesterday. How can I feel this? I went swimming and stayed playing in the water for hours yesterday evening. It was so much fun with my brothers, they were doing back flips off the dock, Trev is amazing at them. He becomes better looking every day. My oldest brother got in last night from san diego for a visit and he is his same self. Reckless, joyful, diving repeatedly to the bottom of the lake, bringing up mud in his palms for proof of the twenty foot decent. Then there was Nils, his good friend for a long time, who leaned over the dock trying to catch a little fish in his hands, "Bear Grillz style". And me, occasionally going on the dock and jumping and diving back in, mostly just swimming around, floating on my back, treading water as I watched them be active. The sun set and lit up the clouds overhead so that my brother standing in the pink gold light of twilight appeared to glow.

I laughed a lot and it was a great release. It was nice to just hang out with the boys without tension and enjoy my brothers' company, even feeling Nils more and more like a brother, seeing his humorous side and being in such a loving mood.

Yesterday as I flipped through online photo albums of luscious men and women at the yoga school, I realized after awhile that I was viewing it all through the lens of my own insecurity. My mind was saying, oh my god, are these really my people? Remembering the depth of the relationship between Shambhu and Sandhya, I wondered what could our spiritual connection be? Reminding myself that I did not have to stay there, feeling amazed at their closeness and wondering about myself. But then I saw what I was doing, and I could feel happy for these happy social people in the photos, without jealousy, or insecurity.

By the way, I totally love Rod Silver (code name). He is an adviser in this office whom I have known for a long time, having met with him many times about my own study abroad experiences. He is married with three children but alas, there is something so supernaturally sweet and sexy as hell about this big, tall, short haired, big eyed possibly 40 something of a man. An early Sag, one of the most attractive times of the year for me in terms of the opposite sex. If I didn't think he would be compounded with complex feelings, I would seduce him. But a married man in this culture, that could only cause trouble, especially based from lust. Oh, Kali. Let not my lust lead me astray, away, from you.

While I floated in the lake last night I felt the pull of my heart towards you.
As practice I listened to the yoga nidra by Rod Stryker upon going to sleep with the intention of surrender.

I had this sensation of reckless abandon after dinner, when I could not be satiated, it seemed. And with that loss of control I felt my overself come in, take me to the lake, and remind me that surrender is the best option, for how can I take care of myself...